The Whores on Rue St. Denis.

Dirty Bookstore

The few Whores still working Rue St. Denis are a sad lot: every one I strolled by was at least 40 years old and they wore ridiculously cheap fur coats and knee-high black leather boots and most have huge tits and big asses and hard, angry faces.

Rue St. Denis is one of the oldest streets in Paris. It’s an old Roman thoroughfare — so old, it’s quite possible the first whores to work it serviced the grandsons of the Roman soldiers who put Christ on the cross. How’s that for a thought? Some horny Soldier of the Empire just forked over a satchel of coins and is bragging to the whore he’s about to bang that Grandaddy was muscle for Pontius Pilate and was right there at Golgatha when it all went down.

I felt bad for them, actually. Poor whores. Today was a cold and rainy day (it even hailed a bit), and no one paid attention to any of them, and they just stood in their doorways, staring blankly into the street.

Not one of them said a word.

I always do my best to blend into wherever I’m traveling, just so I don’t look like too much of a dork. I don’t like pickpockets, either. I must have done an exceptional job today, cause I didn’t get solicited once; in fact, not one of them even looked at me.

Did I do a good job looking like a Parisian…or did they think I was a big ol’ dork with no money?

Your guess is as good as mine.

Rue St. Denis is just down the street from one of my very favorite places on Earth, the 4th floor of the Centre Pompidou, which I had just left. The Calder show was fantastic, and I think I could sit in front of The Cacodylic Eye all day long, just trying to figure out who exactly signed that motherfucker…and imagine the party that was happening as they all did signed away.

I’ve been down Rue St. Denis more than once in my life, but I’ve never done any business with a French Whore. I have been in the porno stores, and this time, instead of checking them out, I decided to take pictures of them. I have no idea why, other than I just got a new camera, and I’m still learning it, and the best way to learn a camera is to shoot the shit out of it.

Which is what I’ve been doing.

Anyways, in front of the church of Saint-Leu-Saint-Gilles, one of the dirty bookstore barkers got pissed. I was surprised it didn’t happen earlier, but, come to think of it, none of the other dirty bookstores had a barker standing there. Sure enough, the first barker I get to is pissed, but not cause I tried to take his picture.

He shouted at me in his very best broken English, “what are you doing!?”

I don’t know why he was so pissed, cause he wasn’t even standing in front of the store when I snapped the pic.

I asked him, in my very best shitty French, “Par-lay vooooo zon-glay?”

“Yes I do!” Then he motioned to the church across the street. “That is what you should be taking pictures of! Not this place…THAT place!” He pointed at the church again.

I said, “I want to take pictures of adult bookstores.”

“NO NO NO! When you are in Paris, you take pictures of this!” This time he took a few steps towards the church as he pointed at it.

“But I want to take pictures of adult bookstores.” It drove him nuts. “Besides,” I said loudly, “I have very many pictures of churches.”

How come we speak loudly — and in poor English — when we’re talking to foreigners?

At least I do.

As I walked away, he was still going berserk over my choice of subject. I kept snapping away as I strolled down the street. It seems they’re cleaning up Rue St. Denis. Last time I was here, I was shopping for Bestiality porno for Barbie Cummings. “Please bring me back some doggy porn from Paris, Billy!” Barbie pleaded. I didn’t, and for two reasons: the shit is expensive, and I was totally frighted about customs discovering my booty. Not that they’d arrest me…but cause they’d think I jerked to that shit.

There was a black dude barker at the next store, and he was much nicer. He didn’t speak English, but he was able to tell me he was from Africa. He didn’t care at all if I took pictures of his store, and he did a fairly poor job trying to get me inside. Maybe cause I said hello to him, and asked his permission to take a picture? Then I asked him if I could take his picture in front of his workplace; he politely declined.

There’s was a Russian-looking thug barker at the next place, and he was the nicest barker of all. He spoke English. He performed his job very well! “Why don’t you go in? Very nice women inside!”

I did not know there were women in an adult bookstore. This must be some sort of new marketing strategy.

“Oh yes! You’ll like them! They massage you, and then they masturbate you!”

Then I thought I was teaching him a new phrase: “We refer to that as a happy ending.”

But he already knew it.

“How much for the happy ending?” I asked.

“Fifty euro.”

“Fifty total?” I asked.

“Yes sir!”

“No upsell?” I asked.

“No sir!” He smiled and walked to the door and pushed the drapes aside, but I declined. He tried to do his job a few more times before I finally walked away.

That’s when I came up on the whores. They totally bummed me out. They were so sad. I couldn’t even walk to the end of the street. I turned around and walked back towards the Pompidou and on to a great street that had all sorts of charming boulangeries and patisseries and meat stores (I don’t remember how you say those in French) and fish stores and oysters must still be in season cause there were tons of oysters everywhere and I took all sorts of pictures of food…mainly the totally gross stuff they sell here, like whole pigs and chickens with their heads still on and loaded with feathers and beef tongues.

But I suppose they sell that stuff just about everywhere, huh?

pig head

There’s Something About Barbie, Part 6

Barbie Cummings and Gia Paloma

Barbie was sitting in Gia’s make-up chair.

“I wanna black baby,” she said.

Gia asked, “any ideas on how you wanna get knocked up today?”

“I dunno. All I know is I need some random black guy to fill me up. I don’t care who it is.”

That’s when I chimed in. “I got an idea! Let’s go to that Gloryhole over in Hollywood. That one at that seedy adult bookstore.”

“How the fuck am I gonna get knocked-up sucking a guy off, Pencil Dick?!”

I thought isn’t it nice when Barbie calls me pencil dick? “You’re gonna bend over the wall and let him fill you up, silly whore.”

“You’re not as stupid as you look,” Barbie said.

I thanked Barbie for her sweet kindness.

“Lemme watch!” Gia pleaded. “I wanna go to the gloryhole! I wanna go to the gloryhole!”

On our way over, Barbie grabbed the camera from my bag and made silly faces…and snapped away. Then we saw a legless T-Girl in an electric wheelchair. The Legless T-Girl was waiting on the corner of Santa Monica and Gower, and she had enormous boobs and a shirt that said something witty on it…but I forget now exactly what it said.

Let me make sure you understand what I’m talking about here: a woman, born as a man, and now without legs, was sitting in one of those electric wheelchair thingys (commonly referred to as “scooters”) hanging out on the corner, and s(he) had enormous titties — much bigger than Barbie’s or Gia’s.

“I wanna fuck a T-Girl,” Barbie said.

I don’t remember what Gia said.

“I do not want to fuck a T-Girl,” I said.

“Yes you do, faggot pencil-dick loser,” Barbie said.

“I love your sweet nothings,” I cooed.

At the entrance of the filthy adult bookstore, Barbie did something she loves to do all the time: she flashed her titties.

Once inside The Hole, it was only a matter of time before a large dick showed itself. Gia actually took a taste before Barbie worked the load out of his balls and directly into her cunt. I stood there with a camera and captured it all for prosperity’s sake.

The black dude exclaimed, “I’m cumming, I’m cumming!” and Gia got down for an up close, personal inspection of the Barbie Cummings creampie.

Once the dick disappeared back where it appeared from, I said, “Well, we definitely do not know who the baby’s daddy is.”

Barbie said, “that’s if I’m knocked up. Let’s go back to your studio and call some more black guys up and try again. I’m here for another day.”

“Now you’re talking!” Gia said.

“You dirty slut!” I said.

Barbie looked at me like I was a dope, grabbed a hold of her lower lip (the one on her face), and showed me the tattoo she just got on her inside it: “SLUT”.

On the way back, I made some phone calls and set it all up. The Legless T-Girl was in her same spot, and Barbie waved hi.

The Legless T-Girl said something, but I can’t recall what that was, exactly. Barbie blew the Legless T-Girl a kiss, said she wanted to fuck a T-Girl (again), and we drove back to my studio, where Barbie would attempt, once again, to get impregnated by The Black Man…as I rolled camera.

And you thought your life was weird.

Barbie Cummings and Gia Paloma

There’s Something About Barbie, Part 5

Barbie Cummings

About a year ago Barbie Cummings approached me about helping her start a site.

“Are you sure this is something you want to do?” I asked.

“Absolutely!” She exclaimed.

Then I told her about all the work. First, we’d have to have at least 20 scenes — maybe more — before the site even opens. If we shoot once a week…well, that would take 5 months. Then, we’d have to edit them. Pay someone to design the look of the site.

Production. And post production.

It could take a year before the site’s even up. And then, it might take longer before you make a dime.

After I explained all this, I looked over at her. She wasn’t so excited anymore.

She asked, “What if the people you work for just put me under contract?”

I said, “Well, I could do that. Do you have any ideas on what your site might be all about?”

She thought for a bit. “I love black cock.”

“Duh.”

“I want a baby.”

“Oh wow. You never really told me that!”

“How about I just bang hot black guys and let them fill me up with their jizz until I’m knocked up?”

I smiled. I shook my head. I laughed. I was taken back, and then I thought “hot”.

That’s usually my thought process whenever I was with Barbie…no matter what we were doing. In that order. Barbie does something…anything, and Billy Watson: 1) Smiles. Then, 2) Shakes his head. Then, 3) Laughs. Then, 4) Gets repulsed. Then, 5) thinks what she just did was hot.

“Wait! Wait! I know! Let’s start my scenes with me taking a pregnancy test! If I’m negative, I’ll get all sad, and cry, and then I’ll fuck black guys and it’ll make me happy. Then, we’ll do it all over again next time we shoot!!”

“Will people really believe us?” I asked.

She looked at me like I was a dope. “Of course they will, Pencil Dick. Make sure you book multiple guys for each scene, too. I’ll take as many loads as they give me. I don’t even wanna know who the baby’s daddy is.”

Would it be really hot to capture a girl getting knocked up by black guys? And Barbie doesn’t know who the baby’s daddy is? Would people buy it? Would I get killed by Barbie’s dad?

Barbie Cummings.com

“Wait till they getta load of my site,” Barbie said, smiling.

“No pun intended,” I added.

It’s as real as the hangover you nursed away this weekend. It’s as real as your girlfriend breaking it off for another man. It’s as real as George W. Bush’s second term.

Consider yourself warned.

Barbie Cummings

I Shoot Porn Breaking News: BarbieCummings.com Finally Launched!

Barbie Cummings

Barbie Cummings has a web site. You can join it. It’s amazing. Borders on disturbing…no, wait. It is disturbing. On so many levels.

Don’t believe me? Then check it: more free Barbie Cummings pictures.

All she wanted was a black baby. Which is to say every single scene ends in at least two dicks giving Barbie a creampie.

Who knows…perhaps she’s already impregnated by The Black Man?

I could write a book on Barbie Cummings. At least some great short stories. Who knows…maybe someday I will.

There’s certainly many more Barbie Cummings posts to come: Barbie’s desire to fuck and suck a dog; Barbie’s desire to name her future black child “Cool”; Barbie blowing a cop on the side of the road (and NOT to get out of the ticket like everyone falsely claims); Barbie almost twisting Jack Napier’s huge schlong off at Ruth Blackwell’s pad (he seriously got so pissed I thought he was gonna leave and never come back); her love of sushi; her marriage to a dude she met 8 days earlier at the airport; Fifi and Boozer.

I could go on and on…

And I will. Soon.

BarbieCummings.com has finally arrived.

Super Fun E-mails: “You’re Slacking!”

Barbie Cummings

E. writes:

God dammit Billy, a whole week without a blog?

I don’t know where it was published, but XPT is saying that Barbie is already divorced. WOW, that was fast. Kind of a shame, she seems like a sweet girl, with a fucked-up sex demon invading her brain. :)

E.

Heya E!

Yea, Barbie’s divorced, and yea, she probably does have a “fucked-up sex demon invading her brain”, but come to think of it, I have the same sex demon invading my brain, just like you’re housing the same demon in your brain.

I know that cause you read my blog. And you know who Barbie Cummings is. And that she’s been married…and divorced.

As we all know, relationships are one of the hardest things we do, so…while I was surprised Barbie got divorced so fast, I was equally surprised she got married so fast, and either way, I knew it would be tough. Cause that’s the nature of the beast.

Meaning relationships.

Blogs aren’t easy, either. Writing a blog is way easier than a relationship, though, and there’s really no reason why I haven’t been writing.

I need to write everyday! Just like I need to do Yoga everyday. Or exercise everyday. Or eat right everyday. Or read everyday. Or balance my checkbook everyday.

I do manage to brush my teeth everyday…really, I do.

Your pal — Billy

There’s Something About Barbie, Part 4.

On June 29, Barbie was supposed to appear in front of a judge to plea out her traffic ticket; instead, she chose to simply pay the ticket and move on with her life.

The cop who made the bad choice and took the BJ from the now Mrs. Barbie Cummings has since lost his job; hence, all the people he wrote tickets to won their cases simply based on a dismissal of their charges. (If the cop who busted you doesn’t show to your court case, you’ll win this way, too).

Barbie’s now more of a hero than before. People ask her for autographs all the time.

She’s Tennessee’s first Porno Folk Hero, and for that, Mrs. Barbie Cummings, you have just won the very first award ever given by me, Billy Watson, and my blog, I Shoot Porn: The ISP Folk Hero award of 2007.

Barbie won a full hour of man service from me, Billy Watson. I’ll do whatever sexual service Mrs. Cummings would like — whether it’s orally pleasing her, or shoving my steaming 6 inch Mad Rod into her juicy love hole.

Congrats to Barbie Cummings…and Barbie, you know how to get a hold of me to claim your prize.

Back In Splooge Land

Ruth Blackwell and Amanda Bell

What a week.

I got back from my European jaunt and got to relax at my Phoenix bachelor pad for two whole days before I packed Maggie and Me and the new Wilco CD into my car and headed west on I-10 to Los Angeles — or, as my pal Nicky Milo likes to call it — Splooge Land.

If you’re self-employed, you know that going on a vacation means (most of the time) more work — both before you leave, and after you get back. Sometimes, it’s almost not even worth it.

When I was On The Clock, and working for The Man, I couldn’t wait for vacation.

Now I kinda almost dread them.

Anyways, I got back on Sunday night, and had Ruth Blackwell in my studio Monday and Tuesday. All in all, I’d say 4 more great shoots to add to a great site. Shit, there’s times I wished I owned that site, cause I gotta tell you very few times does a Ruth Blackwell scene go sour. In fact, I can’t even think of a time when that’s happened.

Oh sure, you’re thinking I’m just saying this cause I direct the scenes, but really…I’m serious. Ruth can put on a great show, and the girls that come into the scenes kinda follow Ruth’s lead, and that makes for Hot Action.

If you’re wondering who the girl in the pic is, the one getting converted into a BCS, it’s Amanda Bell, and no…you don’t recognize her. You don’t know her work cause she’s so new to Splooge Land that none of her work’s been released yet. So consider this pic a teaser, of sorts. I kinda liked it when, on camera, I asked her what she did back home for a living (she worked at a call center answering phones) and how much she made ($600 every other week) and then I asked her how she liked her new job: the one where a big black dick made her cum 3 times and she got paid more in 2 hours than she did in 2 weeks answering the telephone.

She likes her new job.

I also shot a few Gloryhole-Initiations, too. Those scenes cater to the Connoisseur of Porn that likes his girls black…and his dicks white.

Got in a Blacks On Blondes, as well…with Evie Delatosso. Evie was an interesting casting choice, and I went with her cause:

1) She’s never done 2 guys in her life before…on or off-camera. So I booked her with two well-hung young African-American studs.

2) Having all blondes…or white girls…whatever….well, that can get a little boring, right? Why not spice it up with a Latina? A Latina, I might add, who has a bangin’ ass and huge, natural fun bags.

Oh! Did I mention that the (now) infamous Barbie Cummings stopped by to knock out four scenes for her site? Yes…this fine young lady graced us with her presence before leaving, in somewhat of a hurry, to join her new man on their trip to Las Vegas…and The Altar.

A dude she met a few days ago…at the airport.

And just when I thought shit couldn’t get any weirder in Splooge Land…

Evie Delatosso interracial sex

There’s Something About Barbie, Part 3

Barbie Cummings

When I started writing these entries, I never thought — not for one second — that what’s transpired over the last few days would ever have happened. When I refer to “these entries”, I’m talking about the “There’s Something About Barbie” entries, and when I talk about “what’s transpired”, I’m talking about Barbie blowing a cop on the side of the road.

I kinda feel for the cop now, cause I’m a dude, and we all know most dudes have had to suppress strong sexual urges in order to stay out of trouble, whether it was trouble with significant others, jobs, or friends. Name the situation, and I bet you can almost name something that “might have happened” sexually — but didn’t — cause we used our Big Heads and not our Little Heads in order to save the day.

That Tennessee cop, who’s name is in the public domain now, is guilty of nothing more than Failure To Use The Big Head. And it’s probably gonna cost him a lot…probably more than just his job.

Before you judge him, put yourself in his shoes. You pull a car over for speeding, and in it sits a blonde porn star with DD fun bags and a pussy that’s never dry. She’s polite — even engaging and witty — but you still end up writing the speeding ticket. Cause it’s part of your job.

But it doesn’t end there. You kinda feel sorry for her, cause she’s worried for her job, so you talk a bit longer, cause you’ve discovered not only a handful of pills in her Pink Sled, but that she’s also a Porn Whore, which makes your tummy flutter around like it did when you were 16 and sexually aroused, and you take her to the squad car’s computer, that has internet access, and you watch her pornos.

With her.

Ever done that before? I mean I don’t care if you’re a cop or a dentist or a school teacher…ever watch a porno flick with the star of the flick sitting next to you?

Uh huh…bet you’d have a hard time keeping your dick in your pants, too.

I wonder if they watched a Barbie Cummings Manojob movie…the one where she gives a happy ending on the massage table. Or the Barbie Cummings Blacks On Blondes movie, when she gets railed by two well-endowed Negroes. How about the Barbie Cummings Gloryhole flick? That’s a classic…blowing a stranger, kinda like blowing that cop. Gosh, there’s so many Barbie Cummings free movies available out there it probably wasn’t too hard to dial a few in.

And so what if there’s a handful of prescription drugs in the car? I mean really…I always love getting pain pills prescribed to me, and I always hope the doc gives me more than I need, cause, like…who doesn’t?

Barbie calls them fun pills; I couldn’t agree more.

So you take the handful fun pills and toss them on the ground, and in the middle of nowhere, with a porno running on the computer screen and the star of it standing right next to you; a lapse of good judgment rises as fast as your dick did, and you take the BJ and run.

Who wouldn’t?

Well, me, for one.

I know, I know…laugh it up. But I’ve been exactly in those sorts of situations, with a state job and a horny blonde with big tits staring me in the eyes, and I’ve walked away. Does that make me a better dude that The Copper?

Nope. Just smarter. Or, maybe just better able to control my sexual urges.

I have no idea where I’m going with this anymore. Barbie Cummings is a close friend. She’s one of the most intelligent, fun people I’ve ever been around. Now, with one cop’s bad decision, she’s literally international news, and it really isn’t hard to figure out why: porn star gets out of trouble with the law doing naughty things isn’t newsworthy at all…but damn, do we, as a society, eat it up. We live for that shit. Sad, huh? And the media knows this, and they’ll exploit Barbie and that poor silly cop for the next 15 minutes or so, and then they’ll move on to The Next.

And the day after Barbie will wake up and be Barbie, and Boozer will fall down running up to say HI to her, and Fifi will have shit the rug, and Barbie will be hung over, probably with some dude’s jizz running down her leg. The cop will wake up too, and by that time he’ll know if he has a job or not, and if he does, hopefully he’ll think with his Big Head next time he pulls Barbie over, and if he doesn’t have his job he’ll probably be a security guard at Walmart or something, and again, hopefully he’ll think with his Big Head if he catches someone shoplifting.

Even if it’s a blonde with big tits.

[Looking for Barbie Cummings and her blog? Well, for the time being, it's HERE directly above the picture of her acting like a retard.]

Barbie Cummings

There’s Something About Barbie, Part 2

Barbie Cummings Jizz On My Glasses

My name is Barbie Cummings.

I am The Thinker.

Which is to say I think. I think all the time. About all sorts of stuff:

Sometimes I think about how much I’ve had to drink the night before, especially when I’m hungover the following morning.

Sometimes I think I’m not normal. I struggle with this from time to time, cause society skull fucks me. Society skull fucks you, too…maybe you know it, maybe you don’t. But it’s one of the reasons you say hateful things about me even though you don’t know shit about who I really am.

Sometimes I think my pussy juice should be called “retard juice” cause once the boys get it on them, they act that way.

Sometimes I think about the pregnant girl I saw recently…the one wearing the Bud Light t-shirt that didn’t cover her tummy and I thought only in Tennessee.

I think about why I worry so much about…everything…like my future, and if I’ll ever amount to anything.

Sometimes I think I want to be a nurse. Or an accountant. Or a soccer mom. Or a whore. Or all of the above — and all at the same time!

Oh, I think about my future all the fucking time!

Sometimes I wonder why I’m so insecure about my looks when people tell me I’m beautiful.

I think a lot about Boozer and Fifi and how lucky I am to have them.

Sometimes I think about my perverted friend Billy Watson and how much I hate his singing while he’s driving me around LA.

I always think where did all my money go?

Sometimes I think about how much I like my burger centered perfectly on the bun.

I always think about how much I hate making decisions.

I think a lot about having a good time with my friends and meeting fun new people cause that’s how I roll.

Sometimes I think about all the narrow-minded, judgmental people who leave their stupid comments on my blog, and I think don’t you have anything better to do with your life?

Sometimes I think about my goofy family, and how much they drive me crazy.

And I always think about sex, cause I love every fucking minute of it.

My name is Barbie Cummings.

I am The Thinker.

Barbie Cummings Eat Some Ass

There’s Something About Barbie, Part 1

Barbie Cummings

Ever wondered what a porn whore looks like cookin’ up some late-night chow and flashin’ her thong?

Not a whole lot different than, say, your gal cookin’ up some late-night chow and flashin’ her thong.

Barbie’s ass might be a tighter, and look better. Maybe not. But there she is, just like your gal, flippin’ food (probably a bit tipsy) at 2 am after a night out on the town.

When I wasn’t in porn, I loved pics like this. I still do, too… but not as much as I used to.

Thought you’d like a peek.

One last thing — Did I mention how much I love Barbie’s blog? Now…don’t get me wrong: she’s not going to win any awards for her writing, or the syntax or punctuation or grammar found therein…but damn, there’s nothing like a writer who tells it like it is, no matter what it costs…and shows dirty pictures to boot.

And dirty pics are way better than grammatically correct sentences, right?