I Shoot Porn

When I was in junior high, I had a Social Studies teacher who was a total hippy. He’d play records while we were working on whatever it was we were working on that day. One of his records was “The Worst of Jefferson Airplane”, and I’d always wonder why anyone would name anything “The Worst” of…until now.

This blog’s original air date: February 26, 2006

My dick is six inches long.

I know, cause I measured it. I started measuring my wiener in, like, 8th grade, and I think I quit when I was around 20. It wasn’t a daily ritual, or even a monthly one; however, I bet I checked every six months or so.

Why was I checking?

Same reason you did: to see if the fucker got any bigger.

And no, I didn’t keep a chart, but now I kinda wish I did.

It’s OK to measure your pee-pee!

It’s not OK to lie about it.

Society has fucked up men when it comes to penis size…perhaps more than it’s fucked up women on the size of their breastuses.

I love all the liars who have “no idea” how big their dick is; they’re the same liars who have never beat off.

I’ve even had the size lie told to me on set. More than once. Spring Thomas, Size Queen Extraordinaire, has asked the male talent, on more than one occasion, about the size of their dick.

“I dunno,” they lie.

I hate to admit it, but dick size is the most important thing when it comes to porn. American society has taught us that. I’d go as far as saying that every society in the history of mankind has done the same, but I’m not a student of human sexuality, although I think I could carry a 45 minute lecture of my choice in a human sexuality class, if given the chance.

Anyway, if you’ve read my blog more than once or twice, you know I direct for Blacks On Blondes. And I’ve been on most sets as either a director or second cameraman since late ‘02. And in January of ‘03 we started rolling on Spring Thomas, and I shot and booked every one of those scenes. So, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret.

Black dudes, as a whole, are not any larger than white dudes.

I’m going to go as far as calling this fact. But before we go there, let’s take a look at the graph I ripped off from someone else’s website. I know it doesn’t take race into consideration, but it’s pretty accurate. It’s accurate cause it’s based on Alfred Kinsey’s studies. He found, after measuring something like 10,000 dicks from 1938 to 1963, that they’re usually 5 – 6 inches long.

Some are smaller, some are bigger.

(Know what else he found out? 92% of all those dudes reported they beat it, while only 62% of the ladies admitted to rubbing one out. Of all those ladies, over 80% rubbed it out using both labia and clitoral stimulation.)

Back to pee-pees: According to Gebhard and Johnson (1979), the average erect penis of males in the US is 5-7 inches and the average circumference is 4-6 inches. I only wish Gebhard and Johnson would have gone to Africa and researched dick size, cause I think they woulda found out the same thing I already know.

While booking the early Spring Thomas interracial sex movies, I actually placed an ad in Adult Friend Finder. I wasn’t shooting in Los Angeles then, but I still had to find black dudes…which I did.

Guess what?

5 to 7 inches.

We found one hung dude – Slim – and that’s about it.

And honestly, check out the Los Angeles talent pool. Once you get beyond the freaks of nature (Mandingo, Jack Napier, Shane Diesel, and Boz The Animal)…well, we’re back to 5 to 7 inches.

In fact, I can’t book a lot of the black guys running around Los Angeles calling themselves male talent, especially for Blacks On Blondes, cause The Producer is very picky about size, and, well, look back up at the chart and see what happens to the blue lines once you get past 7 inches.

I know, I know…I sound like a small-dicked, frustrated white boy.

But I’m not. Really. Just ask Kinsey.

Here’s the catch with Kinsey though. One thing I can’t find in his research, something it appears he didn’t measure, was a woman’s perception on dick size. And yea, this may sound gay, but bigger looks better, and even though most of her nerve endings are in her clit and outer labia, the perception of getting “filled up” feels better; hence, if you ain’t packing 8 inches, you’re doomed to failure in the bedroom…unless you’re a Gold Medal winner at Pussy Licking.

So here’s my final take on all this: you’re probably 5 to 7 inches long, so don’t sweat it. If you’re worried about your size, lose some weight (if needed), trim up those pubes (if needed) and learn to eat poon (if needed).

If you’re over the mark, congrats…you cocky motherfucker…still, lose some weight (if needed), trim up those pubes (if needed), and learn to eat poon (definitely needed).

And if you’re under…well, learn to eat poon (probably not needed). Lose some weight and trim your pubes (again, if needed). Just don’t waste your money on pills or pumps or stretching devices. And whatever you do, don’t get into your Hummer (or Vette, or Macho Trans Am) and head to the doctor’s for a surgical enhancement.

Cause the only thing worse than having a small dick is having Frankenstein’s dick.

Posted in: random rants by Billy Watson /