I Shoot Porn

A site called Media Take Out — “the most visited urban website in the world” — has reported that porn star Aryanna Star was, at one time, a child actress who appeared on an 80’s TV show called A Different World.

I’d link back to them, but their reporting is so fucking terrible they don’t deserve it; in fact, anyone who had a hand in writing this entry deserves a sock in the nose…but I would never hit a person. It’s against my good nature.

Why do they deserve to get smacked around? The same reason any erroneous reporter deserves to be smacked around — cause they’re erroneous. There’s nothing more sacred than The Truth. There’s nothing more powerful than The Written Word. And there’s nothing worse than a journalist who doesn’t know the facts.

Well, I can think of some stuff that’s worse — the leak in the Gulf of Mexico right now that BP is responsible for; Fox News; a poorly-made latte; women forced to wear berkas and denied basic civil liberties; Iron Man 2; the holocaust; as well as the latest Jack White project, “Dead Weather”.

Media Take Out’s big fuck up? Their description of Aryanna’s Cumbang scene: “the men were all wearing CONFEDERATE FLAG T-SHIRTS . . . and they spit on her and called her THE N WORD while they did their business with her.”

Fucking dopes! Not once is the “N WORD” dropped in Cumbang — in any scene — including Aryanna’s.

Fucking morons! Not once is a girl spit on in Cumbang — in any scene — including Aryanna’s.

Cumbang is simply a revenge site. Think of it as a sanction for African-American women who want to even the score. Why? Well, it’s very simple: all the women on this site have black boyfriends who have cheated on them with a snowbunny.

Or Snow Bunny.

Just depends on how you want to write it out.

If I was a black woman, I’d place Snow Bunny on the list I just gave for Everything Bad in The World — right after Jack White’s new band.

Can you think of a better place to get revenge on your cheatin’ ass niggah boyfriend than with a buncha dirty, red-neck crackers in a warehouse somewhere outside of Hemet, CA?

I think not.

OK Ok ok — fine. Here’s the link to Media Take Out’s entry I’m referring to. I’ll go ahead and give it out just so you can read some of the General Publics’ reaction to this whole deal.

Some of the comments made my morning.

The best reaction, however, is the e-mail my producer just received: hey people, i read this post late and i am very concerned. the site that show this young lady in action is ghettogagers.com which is owned by D&E media, LLC which is headquartered in east orange, nj. as I type this I have e-mailed and written letters to the following: oprah winfrey, Michael baisden, al sharpton and the national action network, 100 blacks in law enforcement, the NJ attorney-general, the us attorney-general, the NJ governors office, all the NJ state senators(one of which lives in the same town this company is headquartered), all the NJ assembly people who represent this district, both us senators from NJ, all the us congress people from this area, the FBI, the IRS, the department of justice, as well as the mayor of the city of east orange. if all of you do the same as me, this company and the trash they produce will be eliminated and they will be no more. although most of their work is protected by the first amendment, they are going well beyond what protects them in the constitution. black women don’t deserve this treatment, for that much, people don’t deserve this treatment

At least this dude got his facts straight about the dirty web sites Ms. Starr has appeared on — if she appeared on Ghetto Gaggers at all.

I’ve shot Aryanna a whole buncha times — twice for Gloryhole-Initiations, once for Cumbang, and once for the world’s greatest interracial website — Blacks on Blondes.

We took a trip to some infamous gloryholes around the SoCal area. Here’s some free Aryanna Star Gloryhole pictures and movies. In fact, she had such a good time, Aryanna came back for seconds.

You already know about her Cumbang appearance — here’s some free Aryanna Star Cumbang pictures and movies.

Finally, Aryanna played a farmer raising chickens with her hubby (played by Byron Long). They try and secure a loan from the bank, and the lending officer, Brooklyn Jade, visits their chicken farm — only to deny them the loan. (You know what happens next). Here’s some free Aryanna Starr pictures and movies from her Blacks on Blondes scene.

Oh, and before you start hating on me, and talkin’ shit about how I had them play chicken farmers cause black people loved fried chicken, just know that there’s a dude who lives close to a studio I use who really raises chickens, and they were loud that day, and to save our editor a ton of post-production work, we just went with the chicken thang.

Here’s my last word on this for today: there are freaky gals who love to get their freak on. They love it. Some of them love it so much they star in dirty movies. They love having sex for the world to see, and they hate sitting at a desk (probably like you’re doing right now) for 40 hours a week pushing papers around. They love working a few hours a week and making wages in excess of the 40-hour-a-week wage earner. They love the attention they get off set. They’re not coerced to make dirty movies. They’re not on drugs. They’re simply doing a job they love to do.

The only thing that really fucks up most porno people is the society who condemns them for what they do; the same ones who just dropped a nut all over the place watching — and loving — the freaky behavior they put down the first chance they get. These are the ones who are married and haven’t banged their wives since the closing night of the Salt Lake City Olympic Games — mainly cause the only people they have sex with on any sort of regular basis are hookers or mistresses…or themselves.

I refer to them as conservative Republicans.

Posted in: random rants by Billy Watson /
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Charlie Hustles posted on Adult DVD Talk: Would you marry a pornstar? I’ve come to the conclusion that this is most likely my destiny, hahaha.

Funny…I’m not laughing.

Some of the responses (if you don’t feel like wading through multiple pages of posts):

I’d love it. Just as long as she didn’t lie about things and everything was out in the open. And as long as she still has some fucking left in her for me when she gets home.

Um — hate to break the news to ya, but most are pathological liars, and when they get home to you, they’re fucked out.

Me married to a hot lesbian pornstar? Definately

Um — the last one I hung out with for a few months turned to me one night and said, “I’m a lesbian. I think you should know that.” Needless to say, we ain’t hanging out no mo’. I love lesbians, too! The problem was — The Lesbian didn’t like me.

I guess I’d just as soon marry a porn star as anyone but she’s signing a prenuptial that says she can’t divorce me if she gives me an STD.

Huh?

Not really thinking about marriage at the moment, but with my mum’s desperate and constant nagging for me to get married I am sure that my mum wouldn’t mind! I reckon it would be cool – your wife would have lots of great funny stories to tell that would keep you amused (and probably turned on) well into your twilight years and long after your pecker ceases functioning.

Yes, your mum would mind. She might not pretend to mind, but she would. At least at first. And funny stories? Like the time she tore her vag from too much rough sex on set? Or the “Stunt Cock with The Stinky Balls” story? Or how ’bout the “Producer Who Would Only Give Me Work as Long as I Fucked Him” story? There’s a whole barrel o’ laughs just there.

Definitely. She’d all of a sudden become a little more exclusive to her projects, she’d make a few well placed promotional appearances, take some dance lessons, and hit the feature dance circuit. I’d be right there with the camera taking the $15.00 Polaroids. I’d then set up the website and then we’d venture into selling personalized scenes where’d she play directly to the person paying for the scene. Then I’d self produce a best of disk something like; E is for Eva, or G is for Gianna, and sell them along with the polaroid. The way I figure it, an autographed Polaroid and a disk for $40 or so, would probably net an extra $5,000 a w/e. We’d retire to a beach in Costa Rica after 5 years or so.

See Urban Diction for the definition of “Suitcase Pimp”. And no, you wouldn’t be able to retire anywhere after 5 years…not even Costa Rica.

I’d marry Amy Reid, Audrey Bitoni, Cassandra Calogera, Claire Dames, Holly West, Mindy Main, Priya Rai, Sativa Rose, Taryn Thomas or Taylor St. Claire but only if they were still shooting porn and they would marry me too. It’s hard to marry somebody if they won’t marry you back. Unfortunately, most of these ladies are taken and far from thinking about marrying me, but I’m pretty sure I’d marry each and every one if they proposed.

“If” being the operative word.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t marry a pornstar. I’ve never known, dated, fucked or lived with a pornstar. If I met a pornstar that I knew was a pornstar I would take whatever I could get, let alone her and I being married. Hello, my name is D_____ E___, and this is my wife, Sadie West. Sounds good to me. At the very least you would get to hear about some interesting things. I think pornstars are interesting. I read the interviews. Some of the girls are fucking smart. Ashli Orion. So is Ashlynn Brooke. Dana Dearmond. Why would you not want to marry a young, cool, sexy girl? It doesn’t make any sense. I mean, in the long run, yes, the relationship is going to end, but all of them end, and almost none of them involve a woman who knows how to fuck. Companionship can be overrated sometimes.

I dunno even where to begin with this one. Some of these girls are fucking smart. Some. And just ’cause they’re fucking on camera doesn’t mean they know how to fuck.

I dont think I could ever marry a pornstar, like so many have said the fantasy of the situation would be crushed under the weight of the reality. As an everyday guy I know that no matter how accepting of a woman career I would be there would still be that part of me that would be totally jealous. Imagine that you were married to your favorite pornstar and you had your ordinary job. At first you think it is so cool and hot that you are married to a woman that so many guys want. After a while the comments start and at first they dont bother you because the guys that make them can only imagine what you get. Then after a little while they start to bother you. Then comes the day where she isnt in the mood to be with you and most guys would be frustrated and understanding, but in the back of your mind it like not in the mood to be with me, but she is going to go and bang a guy in a scene tomorrow. I personally wouldnt want to guilt my wife into sex by saying oh you’ll do it for your job but I am married to you and I cant get any. You could say it is all a job all you want but at the end of the day she is still getting physical needs met from that job and mental and emotional needs met from you. While for most guys you maybe getting your physical needs met, your getting mental and emotional anguish in return.

This is my favorite post. And with that, I’ll go ahead and make this more fun: If I was gonna marry a porn star right now, it would be Ashton Pierce, who beat out (by an ever so slight margin) Katie St. Ives. The bronze would go to Hannah West. (As if marrying me would merit a medal of any sort).

Who’s Ashton Pierce?

Well, she used to be Christie West — for a heartbeat. Then she quit for a while, and now she’s back as Kristie West. And I dunno why, but damn, this girl pushes my buttons.

Whatever those buttons may be. I say that cause they seem to be changing all the time. The only constant with me is the following — it seems after I’ve secured a relationship, I want out. Is there some sort of psychoanalytical nonsense that might enlighten me to my condition?

Anyone?

But yea, I’d hook up with Ashton for sure, and we’d run off to Vegas and get hitched, and for a few months we’d be as happy as clams (pardon the cliché) and then, after an issue or two or three, it would be over.

Cause, in the end, aren’t all relationships a cliché?

Posted in: random rants by Billy Watson /
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Whenever somebody points the finger and starts up The Blame Game, I like to call it “The Blame It on Yoko Effect”.

Stop me, oh, stop me
Stop me if you think that you’ve
Heard this one before
Stop me, oh, stop me
Stop me if you think that you’ve heard this one before

Hey — here’s an idea: next time you fuck up, and it’s 100% your fault, why don’t you just blame it on Yoko? Serious. Let’s say you’re at work, you go way past deadline cause you’ve been fucking up, and Boss calls you into the office and demands an explanation, instead of blaming coworkers, or your health, or some other fucked up bullshit, just say to Boss, “Boss, I know you’re not gonna believe this, but I blame Yoko.”

Say it with a straight face, too.

Yoko, of course, being Yoko Ono, a woman everyone loves to hate, and who had absolutely nothing to do with “breaking up The Beatles”. We could go back and forth about why and how The Beatles broke up, and I’ll maintain — throughout our friendly discussion — Yoko is innocent. (Any four human beings who are forced to spend every waking moment of every day working their ass off couldn’t make it a year together, let alone almost a decade…especially if they aren’t banging each other (ie Fleetwood Mac (not that Fleetwood Mac achieved anything remotely close to The Beatles (they were just a quick, handy comparison)))).

How come no one blames themselves anymore for bad behavior? Especially when it comes to sexy shit?

See the silver medal around Odd’s neck? Well, it ain’t gold…cause he watched a whole lotta porn in Vancouver.

Uh huh.

(By the way, what kind of name is Odd? Oh! Those silly Norwegians. Norwegia must be a kooky place.)

I’m not defending smut cause I make it; I’m defending smut cause it ain’t the cause.

My very favorite vice of late is The Dr. Drew Franchise: the utterly brilliant Celebrity Rehab…which just followed his utterly brilliant show featuring a bunch o’ whacky “sex addicts”.

Sex addiction is a sham. Avoidance behavior is very real.

Who wants to work a 10 hour day when beating off is way more fun? Especially when you hate your job.

Who wants to bang the same person they’ve been banging since 1986? Especially when that person is 100 pounds overweight and snores like a freight train.

Let me clarify: you can’t be addicted the sex the same way as you’re addicted to chemicals. Sex is an out, which can work out really well, mainly cause it feels good; or, it can work out really bad, cause when it feels good, you can often lose control.

Who wants to deal with the real issue at hand? What would you rather do? Spend hours (and thousands of dollars) at The Shrink’s office dealing with your shitty marriage? Your shitty childhood?

How ’bout a stint in rehab?

Or, just bust a nut or two or three or four or five and carry on with your day?

Then, when confronted on the matter — blame porn.

Blame your addiction to sex.

Just don’t blame yourself for goodness sakes. That’s a sign for the weak and weary.

Why deal with the origins of the enormous pressures athletes put on themselves to win at any cost when you can just blame porn!

To me, Bill Maher is as close to The Voice of Reason we have for this day and age. He went on a Tiger Woods rant during his last show…as well as a rant that’s similar to mine. I won’t rehash, but he thinks sex addiction is bullshit, too; “You want to know the surest way that you can spot a ’sex addict?’ He’s got a penis.”

If only I had said it first.

Posted in: random rants by Billy Watson /
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I’m on a roll lately.

Rant n’ Roll.

So today I wake up and take care of my addictions: first, caffeine & sugar, and then the news.

Karl Rove, Senior Advisor and Deputy Chief of Staff to former President GWBush II, has just sealed his second divorce. If you don’t know him, or kinda know him, let me enlighten you: Mr. Rove was Barn Boss over at the Office of Political Affairs, the Office of Public Liaison, and the White House Office of Strategic Initiatives during what could be called the most conservative administration in modern history; in addition, he was a former Republican political consultant and strategist, as well as part of a vast team that, to this day, is The Defender of Family Values and Everything Good & Right.

You gotta hand it to him on one thing, though…he got all the above without a college diploma. “I lack at this point one math class, which I can take by exam, and my foreign language requirement,” he once said. Sounds familiar, huh? It kinda makes sense, though, that someone like Bush Jr would hire a dude without an degree to head up a political team — even at the state level. Political Science degrees are kinda like History degrees are kinda like Justice Studies degrees…which is to say almost every one of my Flunky Jock Pals “earned” one.

Including me.

I hate the right wingers. It’s not cause they’d like to riddle my kind with a sub-machine gun, it’s cause my biggest revenue source wants me terminated. It’s cause they fight for family values after multiple divorces. It’s cause they hate fags but cruise the airport’s men’s room after a long flight. It’s cause they preach monogamy, but use your money to fly to exotic places to bang their mistresses. It’s cause they’re stupid enough to believe abstinence programs in high school work. They’re Name Callers and War Mongers and love to frighten everyone. They want to crucify drug addicts — right after they score. They criticize without following up with solutions. They’re the first to pass judgment and the first to cite Jesus.

And then there’s the Democrats.

Whew.

Let me catch my breath. In the meantime, check out my very favorite poet and one of my very favorite poems.

Every time I hear another Stupid Conservative Hypocrite suffering from Diarrhea of The Mouth, I think of this:

The Genius Of The Crowd
Charles Bukowski

there is enough treachery, hatred violence absurdity in the average
human being to supply any given army on any given day

and the best at murder are those who preach against it
and the best at hate are those who preach love
and the best at war finally are those who preach peace

those who preach god, need god
those who preach peace do not have peace
those who preach peace do not have love

beware the preachers
beware the knowers
beware those who are always reading books
beware those who either detest poverty
or are proud of it
beware those quick to praise
for they need praise in return
beware those who are quick to censor
they are afraid of what they do not know
beware those who seek constant crowds for
they are nothing alone
beware the average man the average woman
beware their love, their love is average
seeks average

but there is genius in their hatred
there is enough genius in their hatred to kill you
to kill anybody
not wanting solitude
not understanding solitude
they will attempt to destroy anything
that differs from their own
not being able to create art
they will not understand art
they will consider their failure as creators
only as a failure of the world
not being able to love fully
they will believe your love incomplete
and then they will hate you
and their hatred will be perfect

like a shining diamond
like a knife
like a mountain
like a tiger
like hemlock

their finest art

Posted in: Current Events, random rants by Billy Watson /
4 Comments

Did anyone catch the name of the Porno Princess Tiger allegedly banged?

Is it OK for me to rant? Cause at first I was gonna make this a lazy post and just post the picture. Then I realized I still haven’t heard who the Porno Princess was he banged…and then, even thought I wasn’t gonna do it, I wanted to write.

How the fuck does anyone expect a decent looking dude under the age of 50 with any sort of considerable net worth to stay monogamous?

How the fuck does anyone expect a dude under the age of 50 to stay monogamous?

Come on, bro. Just admit it. You’ve cheated. And you’ve done it as much as you thought you could get away with…and then some. Doesn’t matter if you’re married or single; doesn’t matter if you’ve got kids or not. You took silly risks and jeopardized your relationship just for the pussy.

I once asked Byron Long — who’s been in porno since ‘92 — “who’s got the best pussy you’ve ever banged?”

All sorts of girls’ names were flashing through my head. His reply wasn’t, but after he answered, I thought to myself of course.

“The best pussy I ever fucked was the one I was just about to fuck for the first time.”

It’s not even limited to real-life experience. Look at my business. Why do you think I gotta churn out scene after scene after scene? Shit, when I beat to porn 99% of what I whacked to was over the second it made me cum. That’s why I never bought porn; I was a perpetual renter.

I blame God. He created part of the male brain to spread its seed at any costs…and up to about 1900 that made a lot of sense. Seriously, it’s in our DNA. Wired. Hard coded like a motherfucker. Now, combo that with our insecurity, our ego, and that feeling of conquest, and it’s over.

I ain’t even gonna blame women one bit — even though it’s easy to do. And trust me, it doesn’t take them long to be over the dick. Why do you think they’re bugging you to knock them up? I blame God.

Once upon a time I was a jock. Pretty good one, too. Paid for a lot of things. During Jockdom, I used to shoot testosterone right into my butt. Like a junkie. (Although junkies don’t shoot in their butts). This is when I was in my early 20’s. Like I didn’t have enough already. Anyways, I’d wake up at 3 am with a boner that hurt. No exaggeration. My dick was so hard I thought it was gonna explode. This was after I banged my chick and beat off a few times.

Hormones are powerful things.

I tried this defense when a buddy of mine got caught, and his wife was grilling me. She was in tears. “Billy! How could you not tell me? And how could he want to cheat on me?!”

“Um, listen Nancy. It’s like this. He doesn’t love that woman. Really, he doesn’t. His hormones took over. He couldn’t control himself.”

She screamed something hysterically like “YOU’VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!” and slammed the phone against the wall.

They can be a Super Bitch every month, throw tantrums, then drive their kids into a lake, but the hormone defense doesn’t work for us.

Which reminds me…have I ever told you how many of my “normal” friends call me up looking for a hook-up? Let’s take a second and define normal: they’re married, mostly with kids; they’ve got a good job; they love their wives; they love their kids more; they haven’t gotten a blow job since 2005.

It goes something like this: “Yo Billy! My man! How’s life? (Insert 10 minutes of banter (the weather, the state of our economy, and then our specific business)). Hey man, are those girls you film really crazy or what?”

“Yes. Some of them are.”

“Do they do stuff without a camera running?”

“Yes. Some do.”

“Does (insert their favorite Porno Princess here)”?

“I don’t know. I really never asked. But I can find out.”

They usually ask how much…and it just goes from there.

Did I ever tell you about my actor pal who became my “pal” for the same reason? He wanted to fuck Porno Princesses, and he actually got pissed that someone like him had to pay for their services. It makes me laugh every time I tell someone.

Even if their better half is putting out, dudes are still jonesing for something new. Even the few who don’t get any on the side. And that’s why porn is great. I’m saving marriages, one scene at a time. This is the one thing no one really wants to talk about.

You know I’m right, too. You’re just not sure who you want to admit it to.

So, grab a pen and a piece of paper, cause your very favorite pornographer is about to give you a lesson on Morality: next time you feel the urge, just join a porn site. If that doesn’t work, then do this: when you’re caught, tell the truth.

Ask to be forgiven.

And, in the middle of defending yourself, point your finger up to the sky.

Posted in: Super Fun Pictures, random rants by Billy Watson /
17 Comments

Porno Princess calls me the other day. She’s in tears. She’s broke. She has no money, which isn’t anything new for most Porno Princesses — trust me, this I know. “Do you have any work? I’ll do almost anything right now. For whatever you have to pay me.”

Another Porno Princess texts me: If you pay me $750 I will do any kind of scene you want. ANY kind.

Stunt Cock called me a week ago. He’s pissed. He’s got one of the biggest wieners in Porn Valley, but that doesn’t mean a thing anymore. After telling me, “this business has bankrupted me. Fuck porn!” he said he’s about to embark on a new career: he’s leaving for Alaska to be a fur trapper. (Yes, a fur trapper. I won’t comment beyond that).

What’s going on?

Free Internet Porn.

In addition to no more money for Porno Princess and Stunt Cock, there’s no more future work either. Which is just a dumb way of saying in the past you could live day-to-day, cause you were getting booked 5 times a week. Now some of these performers are lucky to get booked 3 times a month. And the only girls who are getting consistent work are the newbs.

Like most business, porn’s struggling. Unlike most, porn’s business model is competing against something fierce and mighty. To really complicate things, it’s a business model has changed radically in the last five years…and no one likes change.

DVD’s have pretty much vanished; online adult flourished…and now it’s all all free.

But you know that.

Imagine opening a taco stand, and a few weeks later another opens across the street. The tacos aren’t as good as yours, but they’re free. Gratis. Take ‘em and leave — as many as you want.

You just left a Tube Site. Admit it. You just jacked it for free, and you probably watched a half dozen full length scenes before blowing you load, too, and you didn’t shell out a penny. You didn’t have to worry about downloading some weird codec. You didn’t have to worry about downloading a file that might be a virus. You didn’t have to give up your e-mail. No joining some creepy forum. You didn’t even have to wait for the file to fucking download. You just pulled down your pants, made sure Wifey wasn’t on her way home, pressed a play button and cranked one out. Then, you cleaned up, checked out what I have to say today, and now you’re on your way out to start your day. Or finish it. Or continue it. Whatever.

You’ve probably been doing been doing this since about 2007, too, when The Tubes starting catching on fire. Now a few of them are even ranked in the top 100 over at Alexa, and that’s huge — which you may or may not know.

Huge as in huge numbers. Huge amounts of traffic. Spread over all of them, I bet it’s a billion impressions a week. Or a weekend.

And you know they’re using their stolen, full-length clips, and you love it. You know they’re using stolen porn to sell something other than porn, which is a first. Instead of selling you more porn (why? They just fucking gave you more than you could watch), they’re selling (mostly) memberships that promise to get you laid.

This way, you won’t have to jack to porn anymore.

It’s taken about 2 years for all this to really hit home. Like I said, Tubes started catching on around the start of ‘07; the DVD market started crumbling soon thereafter; now it’s hit the internet guys. Porn Valley is drying up, and fast. People are freaking out. Agencies are closing. More than 90% of the jobs are being booked by less than 10% of the companies. Rates are dropping. No one’s sure when it’ll come back — if it ever does.

Most are betting it won’t.

I always thought once the masses figure out Adult Friend Finder and The Facebook of Sex are nothing but big ol’ Sausage Fests, the Tubes would implode under their own bandwidth bills, and things would get back to normal. But after listening the The Thief ramble in that Amsterdam Coffee Shop last week. I’m not so sure.

I know what you’re thinking, too: Boo-Hoo Billy. Too bad. Join the club. I lost my job, too. Why the fuck should I pay for porn? Most of it sucks anyways, so fuck you. You’re nothing but a sleazy porno dude, so who cares? I don’t pay for music or mainstream movies either. Why should I? It’s not like I’m walking into a store and shoving DVD’s and CD’s under my shirt and walking out. They’re intangibles, and that makes them fair game. If I can’t touch it, I shouldn’t have to pay for it.

I’m not boo-hooing…just blogging.

Things are changing fast. And no one knows where it’s all heading.

There’s still people paying for music and movies. And, believe it or not, some are still paying for adult entertainment, too: the ones who want to see the girl they want to see doing the naughty things they like to watch instead of just whacking to whatever’s given to them are paying for it. Of course it’s no where near like it was before, and with the money drying up in this game, and the companies closing, and talent starting to leave what next?

Maybe everyone will just be stuck jacking to ripped DVD’s that were shot years ago.

Maybe the Tubes will implode.

Maybe Apple and Windows will develop operating systems that’ll know what you do — and don’t — pay for.

Maybe Brazzers (they’re behind the big tubes I mentioned earlier) and the rest of the Porno Thieves will Rule The World.

Maybe.

Jack Kerouac said, “…nobody, nobody knows what’s going to happen to anybody besides the forlorn rags of growing old…”

Amen.

Posted in: random rants by Billy Watson /
42 Comments

I had a new guy with tons of potential fail on my set today. It’s such a shame. He’s a strapping young lad with a dick that’s about the size of your forearm and when he pops it’s like Old Faithful over at Jellystone Park…such a tremendous gusher Yogi and Boo Boo and Super Gay Park Ranger ran for cover!

Now, I’m not saying his Porno Career is over, but odds are it is.

And I wish I had a dollar each and every time some knucklehead e-mails me looking to be the next Peter North. I get maybe a half dozen of these a day.

In fact, I’m gonna go to my inbox and do some cuttin’ & pastin’ –

hi my name is tj i read your blog and you were also looking for people i must say i was very intersted thst why i wanted to join up with your company,
am 23 years of age
my date of birth is 20/09/1985
and i live in united kingdon/ east london
my contact number is 0798323—-

hello mr waston i want to be a pornstar i know u say no men i have a nice size peins im 28 birthday 12-19-80 i live in tallahassee florida i have no problenm of get up im good look and i have a nice body i just need a shot

im a male of 20 years of age birthdate is 10/25/1988 and i live in joliet ill

Wats up Billy my name is Chris and I’m 17 years old will be 18 in November but we can lie and just say im 18 now the media won’t know unless we tell…Born 11-30-91 and heterosexual, i have a 12 inch dick so it will be easy for me to attract the best pornstar women……..PLEASE EMAIL ME BACK PLEASE!!!!!!

hey billy? im a male i just turned 18 in may i was born 5/17/1991 and im gay and i have always wanted to be in still frame porn so basicly nude modling but here in casper wyoming there is nothing that could help me and you guys are not looking for males right now and i was just writing u to see if u have any advice that i could adhear to? id even get into video porn if i had to but ya…just wondering if u have any advice that i could use. would like to hear back from you.

Hello i saw your call and it came to me as a drzeam come true bzecause for some time now i’ve been trying to be a pornstar but i never knew where and how thatnks to your offer i’ll be one.
I’m Nkongho Emmanuel from Cameroon
21 of age and a black
well build up young man
a god dimension of penis
and powersul sex engine
please get back to me

That’s just today.

And to which I reply:

Dear So and So. Sorry, I’m not looking for single males right now, but read my blog!

Your pal — Billy.

Listen all, cause here’s how it works: New male talent with big dick walks on to a porn set for the first time and kicks ass. He kicks ass cause he’s fucking new pussy, and he’s excited cause he’s finally made it to a porn set, and he’s getting paid to fuck new pussy, and Life is Good.

But during that first scene, it dawns on him that this is work. He needs to open up for the camera. He needs to put on a show. This isn’t making love with a girl in your bedroom with the lights out…this is fucking for sport in front of a bunch of people you’ve never met before in your life.

He does it again one or two more times. It’s work. Maybe he gets with a shitty director who thinks he’s Steven Spielberg. Or the girl doesn’t like him. Or the lights are hot and he’s starting to sweat a whole bunch. Or the girl doesn’t like him. Or he fucked his girlfriend the night before his scene and he’s lost his edge. Or the girl doesn’t like him. Or the director thinks he’s making the next Schindler’s List.

Whatever it is, Stunt Cock is now thinking about all sorts of different things except the one single thing he needs on his mind: there’s some new pussy in front of me, and I need to fuck it.

He fails.

Once he fails, there’s a cancer now in his brain. He knows if it happens once, it can happen again.

Some run to the doctor’s office; most go away forever.

Ever wonder why (before the age of Viagra) there were maybe 7 dudes in porn banging a million different girls?

Now you know.

This, too, means today no one made their money. Sure, I doled out a kill fee or two, but I lost money, and I didn’t get into this fucked up crazy biz that I love Oh! So Much! to lose money.

This is why I keep Porn Stars like Austin Taylor at my studio at all times. It’s expensive, but worth every penny.

So just rub my back a little harder, Austin…cause, as David Byrne sang so eloquently:

I can’t seem to face up to the facts.
I’m tense and nervous and I… can’t relax.
I can’t sleep, cause my bed’s on fire.
Don’t touch me I’m a real live wire.

Posted in: random rants by Billy Watson /
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When I was in junior high, I had a Social Studies teacher who was a total hippy. He’d play records while we were working on whatever it was we were working on that day. One of his records was “The Worst of Jefferson Airplane”, and I’d always wonder why anyone would name anything “The Worst” of…until now.

This blog’s original air date: September 28, 2005

It seems like yesterday.

I was living in Dogfart’s secret mansion, and we were shooting so much porn my head was starting to spin. “We” as in Dogfart, S.S., myself, and Justin Timberlakefeelsyourpain.

Here’s a typical day:

9 am — wakey wakey eggs & bakey. S.S. would make fun of my microwaved bacon and scrammies, and sometimes I’d whip that up just to hear him shit talk.

11am — Aimee Tyler interracial gangbang in the kitchen.

3 pm — Aurora Snow does two well-endowed black men in the sauna.

5pm — Drive out to the Gloryhole with Spring Thomas and hope someone would come in to take a piss, see what was going down, and then pop it through; if we lucked out we’d shoot it — if not leave and come back another day; either way, we’d then haul ass back to the Secret Mansion for supper and a night shoot.

9pm — Asian slut Sin-Eye entertains twenty inches of black dong in the front room.

11pm catch Curb Your Enthusiasm!

Monday thru Thursday, then break for the weekend.

Byron Long calls this period of time an “era”, and while I won’t go that far, we did make a shit load of smut.

Anyways, I was shooting so much I started to have porno dreams. Not wet dreams. Not sexy dreams. More like work dreams. Dreams where I forgot how to white balance the camera. Dreams where I format a memory stick before I DL’d the pics to the hard drive. Dreams when I’d have the camera on PAUSE during the pop-shot.

Shit like that.

This was also the time I really started to learn the in’s and out’s of this biz. All about agents and suitcase pimps, attitudes and tardiness. I learned that 11am usually meant 1 pm, and that agents are, for the most part, Satan’s Pilgrims. And suitcase pimps were usually named “Bob” or “Tim” and were middle-aged ex-cops with flat-top haircuts that somehow managed to work their way into a porno girl’s life…and her bank account.

But shit we had a lot of fun.

The Producer would scream lines from Natural Born Killers into Justin Timberlakefeelsyourpain’s ear just as Justin was chugging GBH and coca-cola; late nights watching the first year of Curb Your Enthusiasm with Dogfart and smoking way too much weed; driving down the hill with Dogfart to the Ralph’s in Malibu, where awesome celebrity sightings were commonplace (the best being Pamela Anderson bending over right in front of me at the deli counter and showing off her butt crack); and taking fun BTS pics with the girls before and after their shoots.

I had my first (and only) ménage à trois ever in my whole life, and in the most stereotypically, cliched place of all — a hot tub.

And I didn’t even have to pay them after it was all said and done.

Our good times there ended with that lease, but I’ll remember them for a long, long time.

Posted in: my life, random rants, stories from porno land (some amusing, some not) by Billy Watson /
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When I was in junior high, I had a Social Studies teacher who was a total hippy. He’d play records while we were working on whatever it was we were working on that day. One of his records was “The Worst of Jefferson Airplane”, and I’d always wonder why anyone would name anything “The Worst” of…until now.

This blog’s original air date: February 26, 2006

My dick is six inches long.

I know, cause I measured it. I started measuring my wiener in, like, 8th grade, and I think I quit when I was around 20. It wasn’t a daily ritual, or even a monthly one; however, I bet I checked every six months or so.

Why was I checking?

Same reason you did: to see if the fucker got any bigger.

And no, I didn’t keep a chart, but now I kinda wish I did.

It’s OK to measure your pee-pee!

It’s not OK to lie about it.

Society has fucked up men when it comes to penis size…perhaps more than it’s fucked up women on the size of their breastuses.

I love all the liars who have “no idea” how big their dick is; they’re the same liars who have never beat off.

I’ve even had the size lie told to me on set. More than once. Spring Thomas, Size Queen Extraordinaire, has asked the male talent, on more than one occasion, about the size of their dick.

“I dunno,” they lie.

I hate to admit it, but dick size is the most important thing when it comes to porn. American society has taught us that. I’d go as far as saying that every society in the history of mankind has done the same, but I’m not a student of human sexuality, although I think I could carry a 45 minute lecture of my choice in a human sexuality class, if given the chance.

Anyway, if you’ve read my blog more than once or twice, you know I direct for Blacks On Blondes. And I’ve been on most sets as either a director or second cameraman since late ‘02. And in January of ‘03 we started rolling on Spring Thomas, and I shot and booked every one of those scenes. So, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret.

Black dudes, as a whole, are not any larger than white dudes.

I’m going to go as far as calling this fact. But before we go there, let’s take a look at the graph I ripped off from someone else’s website. I know it doesn’t take race into consideration, but it’s pretty accurate. It’s accurate cause it’s based on Alfred Kinsey’s studies. He found, after measuring something like 10,000 dicks from 1938 to 1963, that they’re usually 5 – 6 inches long.

Some are smaller, some are bigger.

(Know what else he found out? 92% of all those dudes reported they beat it, while only 62% of the ladies admitted to rubbing one out. Of all those ladies, over 80% rubbed it out using both labia and clitoral stimulation.)

Back to pee-pees: According to Gebhard and Johnson (1979), the average erect penis of males in the US is 5-7 inches and the average circumference is 4-6 inches. I only wish Gebhard and Johnson would have gone to Africa and researched dick size, cause I think they woulda found out the same thing I already know.

While booking the early Spring Thomas interracial sex movies, I actually placed an ad in Adult Friend Finder. I wasn’t shooting in Los Angeles then, but I still had to find black dudes…which I did.

Guess what?

5 to 7 inches.

We found one hung dude – Slim – and that’s about it.

And honestly, check out the Los Angeles talent pool. Once you get beyond the freaks of nature (Mandingo, Jack Napier, Shane Diesel, and Boz The Animal)…well, we’re back to 5 to 7 inches.

In fact, I can’t book a lot of the black guys running around Los Angeles calling themselves male talent, especially for Blacks On Blondes, cause The Producer is very picky about size, and, well, look back up at the chart and see what happens to the blue lines once you get past 7 inches.

I know, I know…I sound like a small-dicked, frustrated white boy.

But I’m not. Really. Just ask Kinsey.

Here’s the catch with Kinsey though. One thing I can’t find in his research, something it appears he didn’t measure, was a woman’s perception on dick size. And yea, this may sound gay, but bigger looks better, and even though most of her nerve endings are in her clit and outer labia, the perception of getting “filled up” feels better; hence, if you ain’t packing 8 inches, you’re doomed to failure in the bedroom…unless you’re a Gold Medal winner at Pussy Licking.

So here’s my final take on all this: you’re probably 5 to 7 inches long, so don’t sweat it. If you’re worried about your size, lose some weight (if needed), trim up those pubes (if needed) and learn to eat poon (if needed).

If you’re over the mark, congrats…you cocky motherfucker…still, lose some weight (if needed), trim up those pubes (if needed), and learn to eat poon (definitely needed).

And if you’re under…well, learn to eat poon (probably not needed). Lose some weight and trim your pubes (again, if needed). Just don’t waste your money on pills or pumps or stretching devices. And whatever you do, don’t get into your Hummer (or Vette, or Macho Trans Am) and head to the doctor’s for a surgical enhancement.

Cause the only thing worse than having a small dick is having Frankenstein’s dick.

Posted in: random rants by Billy Watson /
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Dear Readers:

Effective immediately, I am no longer referring to the pornographic actresses I work with as “porn whores”.

Honestly, I was never comfortable with that term — even though they are.

Or seem to be.

And I used to refer to them like that — often.

(Brief humorous aside: according to Dictionary.com, a “who’re” is also a contraction of who are: Who’re the people at the next table? (Or, overheard at this year’s AVN Awards Show, “Who’re the whores at the next table?) )

Let’s face it — any use of the word “whore” is misogynistic, and in an effort to be a Truly Nice Guy (and overall Better Person), I’m removing the term “porn whore” from my vocabulary.

My first inclination was to refer to one as a “pornographic priestess”, but that would be ripping off Lennon and McCartney (most likely Lennon and not-so-much McCartney), which is totally bad juju, and even though I’ve never laid claim to The Egg Man, I have often found myself uttering “goo goo gajoob ga goo goo gajoob” — usually after some whacky behavior performed by the aforementioned.

Like it or not, from the onset of this particular blog, I shall refer to pornographic actresses as “Porno Princesses”; the singular shall be “Porno Princess”.

Sincerely yours,

(insert virtual signature here)

William J Watson
Porn Whore
(goo goo goo joob goo goo goo joob goo googoooooooooooojoob)

Posted in: random rants by Billy Watson /
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