I Shoot Porn

A Concerned Reader writes:

Maybe it’s the sad state of the economy, but your blog seems to have lost its sharp and snarky edge. Have you become a Booster of your industry? You used to really be down on it – now you appear to be toeing the party line in order to prevent further collapse…
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I just consulted dictionary.com to make sure “snarky” was indeed a word. Not only is it legit, but it’s British in origin. At least that’s what my quick, cheap & easy internet research tells me.

Remember what a pain in the ass research used to be? Driving to the library. Card catalogs. Periodic guides to literature. Microfilms & microfiche.

Ugh.

Being a pornographer is really weird. There’s no sugarcoating it. I kinda hit on this briefly in yesterday’s post — about leaving my body while I shoot it. It’s creepy and fucked-up and great — all at the same time. That’s why I say it’s weird. It’s a profession in which almost everyone enters…just to get out of.

“I’m just doing this for a little while,” they all say. “Just to pay off my car” or “til I graduate from college” or “until I pay off my (insert the family member here) medical bills.” (I’d like to add they never pay off the car, graduate, or take pay off momma’s cancer bills).

I did the same, too; my “little while” will turn 8 this August. My mom reminds me of this all the time. I told her, when I got in, that I’d do it for “a year or so”.

All this rhetoric is nothing more than a segue into being sharp and snarky. I dunno about how sharp the blogging is…but snarky? Do I really come off as snarky?

When Audrey Elson and I hung out, one night we were catching a movie together, and I asked her how other people perceived me. It was something I really didn’t think much about, but for some reason I did that night, and every once in a while I still do.

When I was teaching, a lot of my students perceived me as gay. “No way!” I’d exclaim. But I really don’t blame them. Funny how students behave. Once you dig into the first few weeks of the semester, students ask all sorts of personal questions. First, they want to know how old you are. Then, they want to know if you’re married. So, I’d answer them, and then, when I told them I lived in San Francisco, they’d give me this look. It’s hard to explain, and even harder to write about. Maybe if I italicize “look” — as in, they’d give me this look.

In a nutshell, I was their gay English professor.

I don’t recall what Audrey said, but I’m certain “snarky” was no where to be found. In fact, no one has ever called me snarky, but I kinda like it. I wouldn’t say I’m a “booster” of my biz; however; I am a booster of intellectual property, whether it’s tangible or not. This means I buy the things I like: music, software, and movies. Don’t get me wrong — I have no problem if people trade some files. But the same people who rip everything off scream and cry when they get ripped off, and that bugs me to no end.

The other night I was having dinner with some old friends, some of which play in a band. A gigging band that could break out someday…once they decide they’re good enough on their own and stop trying to be U2. I mean really…why be U2? I actually wanted to grab the lead singer by his shoulders after their gig at The Viper Room and shake some sense into him: if you’re gonna rip off a band, become The MC5, or The Stooges, or The New York Dolls, or T. Rex! I didn’t do that, of course, but I did listen to them complain about the state of the music industry, and how the fans are nothing more than thieves, and how bands can no longer make a living off CD sales and are depending on tangible things to sell, like t-shirts and posters. As I listened, all I could think of is, if you pulled the word “music” and inserted “porn”, they’d sound just like me!

Imagine that sorry state of affairs — sounding like me.

Speaking of swapping out “music” for “porn”, let’s have some fun: Hunter S. Thompson once said, “The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side.”

Just like my pals and U2, I’ll steal from The Good Doctor right now: The porn business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side.

Snarky, huh?

And I’d like to think I’m one of the good men…but we all know better.

Posted in: Super Fun E-mails by Billy Watson /
5 Comments

The Jedi Knight writes:

I was wondering what kind of car you drive? Being a self-employed porn producer, do you find it difficult to obtain financing? How do you provide proof of income, for instance?

America – the only country where everyone drives a car but no one can afford to buy one!
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Wanna hear something funny?

Every once in a while I leave my body while I’m shooting a scene. I know this sounds kooky, or metaphysical, or hippyesque…or just plain crazy — but it happens. Example: I’ll be in the middle of shooting and suddenly I can see myself from outside the set. I get kinda tingly and I have a hard time concentrating. It comes on kinda quick and passes almost as fast. Then, while it’s happening, I’ll also think how weird and whacky my life is, and the absurd way in which I earn a living; furthermore, I think how life is absurd, and money’s even more absurd than life, and even more absurd is the fact we can never really quit wanting things we certainly don’t need…things that really don’t add to the quality of life. Of course this is nothing more than human nature; hence, this whole thing is even more absurd than money or filming something like an interracial gang bang or a girl sucking off someone she doesn’t know through a hole in the wall or even what I call a “love making scene”. Suddenly, I’m back in my body. It’s a process that takes about 10 seconds — from start to finish.

When I explained this to my banker as I was applying for the loan to purchase my Toyota truck, she leaned back into her chair, pulled out whatever girls hide in their hair to let it fall on to her shoulders, slowly removed her glasses, and softly told me to go shut the door to her office.

I did as I was told.

As I turned to go sit down again, both her feet were up on the desk. She was wearing sexy black hose and a garter belt, and she was spread eagle, her panties pulled to one side as she furiously rubbed her clit. Her hips were slowly gyrating — her head pulled to one side. Her eyes were closed and she was breathing heavily.

Quite suddenly — and without an sort of warning — she squirted all over my 1040’s. She had three years’ worth, cause I’m self-employed and that always raises The Banker’s Brow, and trust me when I tell you all three years were covered in her sweet love juices. My credit report was drenched, too…so much so you could barely read the big “660″ on it, as well as the list of notorious slow-pays I have from the Thorns-In-My-Side I refer to as student loans. Which, of course, was right next to the deposit check, which I had to have reissued cause it was so covered in her gush.

She moaned quite loudly as the gusher of cum erupted from her cunt — so much so I was surprised no one from the adjacent offices didn’t come rushing in to see what was going on. She then told me to pull my cock our so she could taste me.

I did as I was told.

Of course this was almost four years ago, when almost any chump could secure a loan from a bank.

While I’m quite sure if I returned to my banker today to apply for a loan she’d play with herself and suck me off, I’m not too sure I”d secure the it; money’s tough to come by these days.

Finally, why call America the only place where everyone drives a car they don’t own? You think the Frogs drive around in their shitty paid-off Le Cars? Or the Germans pay off theirs? Certainly America has way too many people driving around and not using public transportation (I’m guilty, your honor) but to think the rest of the world is driving a car with a title paid-in-full is as silly and stupid as this post.

Posted in: Fabulous Fiction, Super Fun E-mails by Billy Watson /
4 Comments

CC writes:

Hey Mr. Watson (can I call you Billy?),

My name is CC. I’m a normal 29 year old guy living in Portland. Just wanted to drop a line and tell you I enjoyed browsing around your blog and websites. Even though it’s as hardcore pornographic and smutty as anything, I appreciate the sense of realness, intelligence, and humor (not to mention good grammar) in your work.

I was led to your blog when googling about penis size (I’m a little OCD about it although I’m aware of most of the “facts” and studies, etc.), and found your blog entry on the subject from March 2009. It was very insightful. Hope this isn’t TMI (I mean you do shoot porn after all), but being 5′ 4″ and Asian-American, I’m a smaller guy, maxing out at approx 5.5″ length X 4.75″ girth if I depress away that fat in that area. I have to say you look bigger than 6″ on camera, but I know lights, angles, and lenses all play a part in that). Anyway, your frankness about the subject, plus the fact that you have convincingly hot sex with beautiful porn stars (as well as owning up to the fact that you pay them) on your Mr. POV site, is inspiring for a person like me that hasn’t had sex for years, gets down on their physical attributes sometimes, and sometimes gets discouraged, albeit turned on by the massive penises fucking tiny women in most commercial porn. I’m sure you have your problems and ups and downs, have to pay bills and taxes like everyone else, but your life is seems pretty bitchin looking in from the outside.

I was also motivated to write because you are a fan of Wilco and Jeff Tweedy. I’ve been a huge Wilco fan for several years now, and I still love them, although I think their album quality has dropped off some since A Ghost Is Born. The string of Being There, Summerteeth, YHF, and AGIB is one of the most consistently innovative, creative, and emotionally resonant collection of tunes in all of rock history. I saw Tweedy solo acoustic at the McDonald Theater in Eugene right after I moved to Portland, and it the best “intimate” show I’ve ever seen. He even played “Far, Far Away” when I yelled it out from the crowd. I agree with you that Wilco is at it’s peak with the live show; my only beef with them is that I miss Tweedy’s more cryptic, image invoking lyrics since he’s decided to go in a more straightforward direction with his writing.

Couple questions. Do you play an instrument or write music and do you draw those comic characters of yourself on the websites? I put in a myspace friend request to you profile, and I’ll be checking out your blog (and porn) from time to time. If you’re on facebook, I have a profile at (link deleted) if you want to add me.

CC
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Hey CC!

Whenever I eat my morning muffin, I probably do what you do: pull the top off and save it for last. I also put on raw sugar in my latte, and then lightly sprinkle on on the top of the (still hot) foam. This kinda makes for a sugary, Crème brûlée experience.

No Way Am I Gay.

It’s 2010! I’m watching/listening to Elvis Costello and The Imposters – Live In Memphis on palladia. I highly recommend palladia, just as I highly recommend each and every Wilco release — for their strengths and weaknesses. The only Wilco record I liked immediately was Being There. I hated Summerteeth when I first heard it, as well as A.M. and Sky Blue Sky. YHF was OK on my first take, as well as A Ghost is Born. I’m still working on Wilco (The Album). Finally, I have no problem with the live Kicking Television, although it seems to be the most-frowned upon official WIlco release.

I sometimes fantasize about playing lead guitar in a famous rock band; however, I don’t play any instrument.

I sometimes fantasize about being an artist; however, I can’t draw or paint.

Thank you, CC, for noting my grammar and punctuation skills. Let’s call these The Skills to Pay The Bills. No one really wants to admit it, but proper grammar and punctuation go a very, very long way. It’s a dead art, too, with all the text messages and IM’ing we do nowadays. Wanna hear a secret? I didn’t really know (or care) too much about punctuation and grammar until I had to teach it. It took me a semester or two to really get it down, and even now I fuck up from time to time. I don’t have an editor, though, so there’s my excuse.

(Wanna hear another secret? Once upon a time, Yours Truly headed up a Human Resources department for a very small stock brokerage firm, and I took an evil delight in posting resumés loaded with poor spelling, grammar, and punctuation right in the break room; the brokers enjoyed that entertainment even more than I. Think about that next time you rush through a resumé and hand it in to get The Job. (And if you’re silly enough to think Bill Gates’s software can discover all of your spelling and grammar errors, then you deserve what you get.))

My very favorite piece of punctuation would have to be the hyphen (–). I like the hyphen way more than its little cousin, the dash (-). I’m also a sucker for semi-colons and the ellipsis, although I kinda cheat the rule when it comes to an ellipsis…just like that. I like them to convey a sense that I’m pausing before I finish whatever silly thing I’m saying.

My very favorite piece of ass (lately) is Jackie Daniels…just to keep things hardcore pornographic and smutty around here. (Although Victoria Lawson — pictured here — is a close second).

Which is a perfect segue into my next thought: why are we so hung up on the size of our cocks? Or, more specifically, I wonder how many poor saps Google “penis enhancement” on an hourly basis? (Not that you’re a sap, CC. Well, I really don’t know you, but from your very kind e-mail I’d say you’re far from being a sap, sap-like, or sappy.)

We’re hung up on Wee-Wee Size for the same reason chicks are hung up on the size of their fun bags: the bigger, the better…right?

Listen to me, bro: quit wasting your time researching “the facts and studies, etc”. The Master of Sex, Dr. Kinsey, measured something like 10,000 peckers over the years, and he found they’re almost all 5 to 7 inches long…whether you’re white, black, yellow, or red. The Brothas are bigger when they’re flaccid (on average) but when it’s time for President Woodrow Wilson to make his entrance, odds are it’s 5 to 7 inches long.

How about all those silly penis synonyms?

By the way, I am not Mister POV; I simply own 1/2 of his site..

Imagine the line around the plastic surgeon’s office if you could get a functional 8 or 9-incher for 6 or 7K! (I’d be in the front of that line, just as I was at Amoeba to get my Beatles mono box). Poor dudes would be pawning every single one of their possession to get one. Rich dudes would be packing 12 or 13.

Dicks ain’t boobs, though, and as it sits right now I’ll take my wholly average 6-inch ween over an 8 incher that looks like it came off Frankenstein’s monster…cause if you’ve ever seen a surgically-enhanced pecker, you’d know what I mean.

Which is to say a little bit of confidence and a whole lot of pussy eating go a long way.

And go buy yourself the Hitachi Magic Wand and stick it in the drawer next to your bed; think of it as your insurance policy.

A cheap one at that.

Your pal — Billy

Posted in: Super Fun E-mails by Billy Watson /
2 Comments

Almost every day the fine folks who actually run (and own) Blacks on Blondes get all sorts of e-mails hating and / or praising their fine work (as well as mine). Every single e-mail you’re about to read originated from the Members’ Area of the site.

I use the phrase “actually run (and own)” cause, no matter how many times I seem to tell people, they just don’t believe me: I do not own, operate, or make any business decisions concerning Blacks on Blondes nor any of their sister sites.

Let me reiterate: there’s a form within the members’ area at Blacks on Blondes for paying members to submit their feelings on the experience that is Blacks on Blondes.

In case you didn’t get that, lemme say it a big more clearly: every single one of these communiques came from people who have looked at the free part of Blacks on Blondes (called “the tour”), walked around their house naked with a hard-on, found their wallet, pulled out their credit card, and made a cognitive decision to submit the pertinent information to Blacks on Blondes, then pushed The Special Button; this resulted in a unique login / password they created during the sign-up process I just (sorta) described.

They are presented here exactly as received, and I thank the guys at Blacks on Blondes for letting me reprint them — verbatim — at I Shoot Porn.

Did I make myself clear?

sucmydick writes:

i thought them niggers was all in jail.i guiss some of them meatheads excapted.they should be in a nut house or come to south carolina and fuck a white girl in front of a few good old boys and they want have to worry about stds or aids because they will have 6 dicks in there ass before than can get a std or aids.i might have to report this to abuse @msn.com because it looks like you might take my shit out on them white girls instead of me .and them perra would tell a cop a thing because there in to that old black magic shit.

liz writes:

Why do you make it only on blondes? Is it to satisfy your complexes of sleeping with beautiful sexy white women after long years of humiliation in white societies? Why don’t you show the beauty of your female gorrillas? Do you think any non-black would dare looking at, let alone sleeping with, them? Trying to spread rumours about your penises has never been supported, imopossible to prove and is non-logic if you accept you belong to humans. I guess it is a kind of seeking revenge from the arrogant white men by fantasising about sleeping with white women and it is the only way you think that gets you close to the superior white league. Mistakenly, I have been with several nigger men, and honestly I wouldn’t say the same. Why don’t you leave the white women clean, and depart to your most appropriate place. There are plenty of jungles in the world.

Brent writes:

I asked two days ago about where i could buy videos or dvds. and i still haven’t heard a word from you dumb ass black muther fuckers. It’s no wonder why you shouldn’t be hanged. You fuckin nigars aren’t worth a shit!

Fuck You writes:

It’s pieces of shit like you that are killing off the White race. It’s you god damn Jews making this porn shit! Fuck off. Heil Hitler!

Baby Girl writes:

I want to rebel against my parents any day. I just the right people to do it with thats all. You supply the black guys I’ll do the fucking. I’m 18 years old & don’t care what anybody says.

Suck My White Cock writes:

Idiots! this day in age it isn’t a real treat to screw or get blown by a white girl or any other hoe you can find that’s outside of your failing race, the race of morons. for the simple fact that they are just that HOES! you couldn’t nor any other loser who visits your site, remember I did not grace my presence amongst your stinch, you fuckers sent me a pop up, ever find a girl thats clean, remember that losers. can you understand all of that am i using words that are too big for you like my dick. What would really be interesting other than watching some loser jack off that has to pay for even a hoe’s service, is to see someone, maybe myself, cut the fungus that is the speck coming from the wall completly off. [Billy's note: this is a fan of Gloryhole.] thank you and continue screwing and paying for your sexual encounters!

Enigmatic writes:

I got to give you niggaz props for what you do… Besides giving a fella something to beat his dick with you dog the shit out of them snowbunnies. Everytime I come home from a fucked up day of work and some cracker ass motherfuckers getting on my case I come check out Black on Blondes and see their sisters, wives, mothers and daughters getting their holes ripped the fuck open!!! Fuck them bitches, fuck them hard! Keep up the shit! aight!

The Nationalist writes:

Thank you for pictures, they will be forwarded to the relevant nationalist websites. In the meantime we are working to find a nice blonde girl to bait you into a trap. Salute

A second month into his membership The Nationalist writes:

Your information is now being circulated across American and European sites for your crimes. Maybe we can find a nice blonde girl to drag you into our trap. We hope you take the bait!!! Salute

Derek writes:

this site are destroin the white race and i don’t like the fucking nigres I’m a nazi and i go start the third war and all this black monkeys

Slick Rick writes:

You guys are so full of shit. The comments that you attached to these videos are bullshit. I know you make up most of it. White girls don’t say half of what you put down. I also know that you pay these young girls to have sex with you. Most young white girls with any self respect would not have sex with digusting, vile creatures such as yourselves without enticing them with cash. Just a friendly piece of advice assholes…….one of these days you will run into a “white daddy” who just might take a lead pipe and crack your monkey skulls with it. Watch your back if you continue to do this shit! By the way……big dick or not…..all you black dudes in these videos are fucking nasty and ugly as hell!! No wonder you have to pay for sex.

Rocco P. writes:

fuck this site niggers are going to die

And finally, PJ writes:

One thing bakes my balls “What is it so fucken cool about fucking a black guy,”is it big dicks or something else.I think it’s the dicks but white whores who like to be abused and gang banged and pimped around don’t think about getting infected with AIDS and god knows what other sickness still think it is ok to do it.As we all know AIDS came from Africa and who brought it here hmmm let me guess Black Man am i right.Black guy would fuck the snake if he knew how to get hold of the fucken thing,thanks to the faggots and crackhead whores and sick fucken white women and men who have this fetish of banging a black guys other white people got infected and so on.Thing that kills me is when i see a gorgeous white woman with the uglyest black man on face of the planet,i would snap her neck,and when i see that married white man is looking for a black guy to fuck his wife that is just sick it makes me puke, if my old ladie told me that i would brake her in half,that would be the last thing she ever wished for.I have two daughters and i told them if i ever see or hear they are dating black guys i would put them into the wheelchair,there is plenty of white man out there and there is no need for AIDS or some shit like that.If you ask me they should all hang and hang again.

Thank you.

Posted in: Super Fun E-mails by Billy Watson /
9 Comments

So I got one person to respond to the question asked while I was blogging from Amsterdam: “I wanna meet the twisted fucks who jerk to Beastie or Sim Beastie. Not literally, of course, but if this is your thing, please e-mail and tell me why. Include in your e-mail why this sort of thing pushes your button and when you went to the 8th grade dance, were you a Wall Flower?”

Freddy writes:

Okay, I admit it, I sometimes (rarely, maybe once every month or two) get off to beastie porn. Why? I’m not sure, probably because I’ve jerked it to almost everything else and become jaded. I wouldn’t describe myself as a sex addict, but if I’ve got nothing else to do I could jerk it 8-10 times a day.

I’m a 24 white male, virgin. I wouldn’t attempt to describe myself as anything close to normal, but I fake it on the outside. I’ve got a pretty good job, make decent money and am pretty well liked and respected by co-workers.

I’ve always thought of porn as taboo, and it was dirty, which made it exciting. I read my first playboy at age 6, it was actually for the articles, I’m a voracious reader…

To estimate, my average pron distribution goes:

30% Submityourwife.com / submityourex.com / submityourflick / free online porn

20% Kristen Archive (porn stories)

20% Videos I downloaded from COHF/Fisting Lessons when I had a subscription (since lapsed)

10% Girls Gone Wild movies I downloaded illegally (which I haven’t done in the past 3 years, I downloaded in college when I couldn’t afford porn, now if I want it I can afford it so I pay for it.

10% Various Hardcore Videos (Seymore Butts [old Alisha Klass] videos, for some reason she really gets me going, a bunch of Aurora Snow / Jenna Haze

7% Lisa Sparxx/bdsm247/shotathome.com/Creampie Cathy/what ever weird kink site I have a current subscription to

3% Fucked Up Shit, Beastie, Piss, enema, strap on MF

Mainly it happens when I’ve been having a spankfest, maybe 10-12 times a day for a few days in a row, still horny, but regular porn is boring by now, I need something really kinky and taboo. For example there’s this very fucked up Fisting Lesson video where a girl shoves various produce up another girls ass and the girl shits it out in the other one’s mouth. Now on the surface I know this is wrong, even if the girls ass is clean and sparkly. It’s bizzare, dirty and you know they’re only doing it for the money, so late at night when no one is around and you’re jonesing for another jerk but you’re bored with everything else, you open up the video and get a little thrill in your stomach because it’s so dirty.

Again, I don’t claim to be normal or even a good person, but here’s some insight. A response would be appreciated.
———————————————–

Jaded Freddy:

Let’s get one thing straight — you’re not a normal person. Anyone 24 and still a virgin isn’t normal. Anyone jerking off 10-12 times a day isn’t normal, either. But that’s OK — I’m not normal; in fact, normalcy is way overrated.

The first time I banged a chick doggystyle I blew my load in about 4 seconds. Really, I did. And I didn’t cum so quick cause I was getting laid; it was premature ejaculation due to the fact my girlfriend was doing something really naughty. Afterall, it had taken a month or so of sweet talking to get her to do it like a dog.

I have no idea on your merit as a human being. If you’re wondering if you’re “bad” cause you beat you meat to beastie porn…well, no. You’re not. Contrary to everything our churches have taught, you’re not a bad person if you masturbate. You’re jaded, and if you think you’re jaded from watching too much porn, try shooting it for seven years. I’m so fucking jaded it’s beyond jaded. The last Porno Princess I hung with called me the biggest perv she’s ever known. She said it with a smile on her face…and then she pissed all over me.

But I don’t think Golden Showers rank that high on the Perv Meter — but then again, I’m Jaded Billy. I’d certainly rank Beastie Porn right near the top…but, to me, ATM’s are fairly fucking vile. There’s a whole lot of bacteria in that butthole, and even if Porno Princess is putting her own Butt Bacteria into her mouth, it’s still Top 5.

I think a lot of times dudes who get turned on by really raunchy shit were The Wallflowers at the 8th grade dance. They’re so pissed girls didn’t pay much attention to them when they were 13 they take it out in their adulthood by consuming misogynistic porn: bukakkes, beastie, gag-her-out-til-she-pukes BJ’s, Meat Holes, Piss Mops…anything that’s produced by The Japanese or The Germans…that sort of filth.

But what do I know? I do realize shooting porn has turned me into perv — there’s no doubt about it. But I’ve never been “normal”…and, really, I don’t even have the desire. Not that there’s anything wrong with it…it just doesn’t suit me.

Sounds like it doesn’t suit you, either.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Posted in: Super Fun E-mails by Billy Watson /
1 Comment

I woke up this morning at 4.30am, ready to roll. That’s what jet lag and time zones do to you. I liked Amsterdam; I didn’t love it. I came home to 22 voice mails and 17 text messages and a whole month of work in front of me. As I was wading through my e-mails this morning, I got this from my old pal Emmitt concerning my blow job site, The Dick Suckers…and it teaches me one thing — no matter how hard you try, you can’t please everyone:

Just sitting here and wondering why the fuck I have 200 channels of NOTHING to watch on television. Seinfeld reruns and Sportscenter are still the bulk of my viewing, it seems. And for this I shell out $65 a month? Yeesh.

Figured I’d drop you a note and give the newest TheDickSuckers.com lineup my well-seasoned eye in review.

What else is there, right?

Miley Ann: What a clean looking lil cupcake you have there. Miley blends that “good gal” look with an eagerness to trouser-dive, with just a dash of mischievous eyes to really grab a guy. I’m reminded of a young Mary Tyler Moore, eager to make her way in the big, bad city. Trust me, she will.

London Keyes: A better name might have been Tokyo Snooze. Have to confess I’m not a big Asian lover, but I can certainly see the appeal overall. But this girl is flat performance-wise. It’s okay to be focused when you’re working the eggroll, but this little geisha forgets there’s more to a menu than bringing out the food. Check, please!

Suzanne Kelly: I once cheated on a girl named Kelly, with a girl named Suzanne. That has nothing to do with this of course, but mentioning it pads my word count. This gal is serviceable. And….um….she has really long hair.

Sammie Spades: Something about Sammie I like. The Pippi Longstocking look doesn’t work here, but there’s a face on her that holds a future MILF hottie. Sammie might be one of those gals (Kylie Worthy) that doesn’t come into her own until later in the game than most. Patience, peckers. It’ll come.

Charlotte Vale: I have to recuse myself from this review in the interest of fairness. This girl took my order for new tires at Sears and I’m not really comfortable commenting until I get my car back. Sorry.

Vanessa Leon: “I like to be in America. Okay by me in America”. Seriously, Vanessa picks up the Hispanic banner icons like Vanessa Del Rio carried years ago, and she does it proud. A bit too quiet maybe, Vanessa has “the look” to go far. Now, about that green card…..

Reena Sky: Saucy, hot, and eerily reminds me of an aunt of mine whose panties I once swiped. Who cares? I still approve.

Taylor Thomas: Taylor looks like a nice-looking chick. She’s quiet, and from the looks of things not very long for the porn world. That’s okay. Plenty of room for those types whose stay in the biz is measured in days, not years. She’ll leave the biz, marry, buy a minivan and get fat. It happens. Thanks for the memories, sweetie.

SunSet Diamond: Has anyone ever seen Sunset Diamond and Tonya Harding in the same room? Just wondering. Similiar performances though. Neither were good.

Jasmine Jolie: This is what porn is about. Great work from this sleaze-warrior. Judging from the nips I’d say there’s a little mileage on the treads, but man, this filly can still haul lumber. Nice!

Jessica Woods: Nothing to see here. Move along. Trust me.

Natalia Rossi: Ever work out at the gym or shop at a grocery and see a really hot chick but you’re afraid to approach? This is Natalia Rossi. Very hot!

Amy Starz: Cute. Eager. Annoying.

Lexi Diamond: This Latina has one of the prettiest fucking faces on the site. Truly. Besides the absolute flat tits, she has everything she needs to go very far in the business. She looks at you and…..oh shit, gotta beat off again.

Allie Foster: This chick has an interesting, complimentary face. She’ll never headline, but she might qualify as an occasional tail gunner or wingman. The problem is her body. It looks like it’s been squished-down somehow, almost like a dwarf. She needs another 3 inches in height to offset the appearance.

Faye Reagan: Well sir, it looked good in the window, but when I got it home…..

Jordan Blue & Brittany Angel: I gotta make special mention here. I ever hit the lottery, I’m booking a limo and these two ladies for a weekend. Jordan personifies the bleach-blonde plastic Goddess I hope to someday marry, while Brittany has always shown some great range in her looks and scenes. Man, to be the filling in this sandwich.

Posted in: Super Fun E-mails by Billy Watson /
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Emmit Coolbaugh writes:

Been awhile since I checked in and gave you this one man’s opinion on the Manojob lineup. As you know, it’s my favorite site on the Net.

Hope you’re enjoying the summer. Ah fuck, you live in Cali so it’s summer all the time….Here on the East Coast, it’s been rain, rain, fucking more rain and….well, you get the picture. Worst economy in 25 years. Worst weather too.

Thank God for porn.

Anyway, here we go……….

Jules Sterling: Is this cupcake as dumb as she looks? She puts forth a modest effort but the last time I seen a haircut like the one she’s sporting was in the early days of “Friends”. And what’s with the bags under her eyes? I’m guessing this gal slept through her 6 year stint of high school, so there’s really no excuse. Dumb bunny.

Laci Laine: This cherubic filly has the creepy look of a 3rd tier British Royal. Married to Big-Ear-Charles’ 3rd cousin twice removed or something. Tragically overmatched in this career choice, she needs to get that funky patch of something between her eyebrows fixed. It’s fucking distracting.

Callie Dee: Impressive. Callie has an exotic, enthusiastic manner that gets me going. She blends it well with a sweet wifey look somehow. Some girls walk that delicate line of whore/Madonna thing. Maybe it’s the Italian in me, but I’m not sure if I want to screw Callie or bring her to meet my Nana.

Chastity Lynn: In a previous life, Chastity was the 80’s pornstar Bunny Bleu. Or was it some teen angst TV series I’m thinking of? Whatever the case, Chastity is the ultimate wingman of porn sluts. She doesn’t quite have the chops to headline her own show. But she gets the job done quite well anyway.

Katie St. Ives: Great peepers. Like a ninja, this dame sneaks up on you with stealth. The hairstyle has to go. And watching her in action is a little like watching a kid ride their first bicycle. Shaky and have the Band-aid’s handy. But don’t be fooled; there’s a slut here deep down. A sleeper.

Sammy Grand: Personally, I don’t see it. Too bouncy. Too skittish. And her eyebrows are too goddamned bushy. I see her standing in a mall at one of those pushcarts, selling cellphone holders and Worlds-Best-Daddy tee shirts and mugs.

Lina Paige: I hate this broad. Truly.

Christy West: Sweet Jesus this girl has it! Okay, the tattoos are a little sloppy and lack theme, but this cutie has everything it takes to do well in the biz. The acting will come in time. The body is already there. The look is fantastic. Now excuse me, I gotta hit the men’s room and rub one out. (Note from Billy: for you Christy West fans out there, she’s now calling herself Ashton Pierce).

Missy Woods: Long, cool and giggly. Missy is a very pretty gal who looks just a peep too clean for the biz. Very good Manojob scene; still she’d probably do better focusing on work that would highlight her legs and overall length. Fetish and hose, maybe? Oh yeah, and lose those Frisbees you’re wearing for earrings, honey.

Kiarra Lynne: I’m a big Michelle Sweet fan, and Kiarra sort of channels her. Sometimes a gap-tooth girl will just distract the shit out of you, but Kiarra makes it work in a most lovely way. She’s a real gal you might find standing outside your local sports bar, smoking a butt and smirking your way. You have to buy her a beer and make a run at her, at least. Don’t you?

Sarah Vandella: I genuinely love this gal. Great tits. Pretty face. Super charm. XOXOXO

Karrlie Dawn: I’ll bet at one time Karrlie set the world on fire. That was probably about 12 years ago though, and porn is a young sluts biz. It’s a game effort and this brunette knows her way around a bedroom quite well, but she’s carrying around a little too much wear on the treads, and too many pocks on the face for this fan. Bukkake, anyone?

Lexi Diamond: This brunette has a hot look to her. Sincerely. Very good potential. I just wish she’d pay a little more attention to her 9-inch costar at SOME point along the way. She’s got the camera-gaze down pat, but this ain’t modeling sweetheart. It’s porn. Apply yourself.

Jasmine Jolie: Just an all-around, quality gal. She’s got an exotic look, fantastic lips and an easy going attitude on-camera, from the looks of things. Elegant too; seems like she’d be equally at home at a fine restaurant or dancing on a table somewhere shady. Primo.

Tina May: Great eyes. Bad complexion. Tina is a future public service announcement on the dangers of sniffing paint. A little disjointed and slow on the trigger; Tina’s life looks like a blur.

Faye Runaway: Colorful. Eclectic. Fun. A cuter version of Scarlett Pain (who I already adore!).

Dana DeArmond: A physically gifted gal. Great lips. Great nips. And we all know the braces are always good for bonus points in the jizz biz. I just wish this broad’s eyes weren’t set so far apart. Seriously, she looks like that cartoon hammerhead shark on Finding Nemo. Strange.

Posted in: Super Fun E-mails by Billy Watson /
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Anonymous Reader writes:

MY WIFE AND I WERE HAVING SEX ONE NIGHT AND WE WERE TALKING ABOUT FANTASIES. WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED 24 YEARS AND I THOUGHT I KNEW ALL THERE WAS TO KNOW ABOUT HER. BOY, WAS I WRONG AND PLEASANTLY SURPRISED.

SHE BLURTED OUT THAT SHE HAD ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE A HUGE BLACK COCK AND I WAS AMAZED THAT SHE EVEN TALKED ABOUT IT.

TURNS OUT THERE WAS EVEN MORE. I TOLD HER ABOUT GLORY HOLES AND ASSURED HER I COULD FIND ONE WITH A HUGE BLACK COCK ON THE OTHER SIDE FOR HER TO JACK OR DO WHATEVER SHE WANTED WITH. WE TALKED ABOUT IT AND THEN CAME ANOTHER SURPRISE. SHE BLURTED OUT THAT IT WOULD MAKE HER HORNIER THAN HELL IF I SUCKED THE BIG BLACK COCK WHILE SHE WATCHED!!!

SHE SAID SHE WOULD GET THE BIG BLACK COCK ALL READY (PLAY WITH, SUCK ON A LITTLE, OR MAYBE EVEN PUT SOME OF IT IN HER JUST TO SEE WHAT IT FELT LIKE). NO WAY I COULD SAY NO, EVEN THOUGH I AM NOT GAY.

SO AFTER FUCKING EACH OTHER SILLY WE ARE PLANNING ON VISITING SOME GLORY HOLES, WHO KNOWS THIS MAY BE THE START OF SOME STEADY VISITS TO THE GLORY HOLES WHEN WE ARE HORNY OR WANT TO BE HORNY!!! I GET A HUGE WOODY WHENEVER I EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!

LOOK OUT GLORY HOLES, HERE WE COME!!!!!

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Dear Reader — Uh huh. You’re not gay. No Way.

And thank goodness the glory holes are real…how else would you get to help your wife fulfill her fantasy?

Posted in: Super Fun E-mails by Billy Watson /
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Dane writes:

I find myself more and more dissapointed with porn lately, not because it’s not good at what it does, but because I want it to do other things. I want something between the insanity gonzo likes to push and the banal, boring “features” which to me are anything but sexy. I find myself wanting to see realistic scenarios featuring young looking stars wearing normal sexy clothes girls wear and talking like normal people, then fucking like crazy for my amusement.

I want a porn movie that looks and feels like it’s a real piece of sexy american life. A girl hanging with some guys, smoking up and drinking some beer, then ending up fucking a couple dudes, or making out with a girl. Skinny-dipping, flashing, truth or dare, sexy shit that happens and leads to sex all the damn time. Shit that actually happens, I’ve seen it, but most people never experience. As an older man with a wife who has moved into a different stage in his life I long to relive these sexy youthful moments, but no one is making porn that brings me back to those days… I usually find myself imaging these scenarios around a gonzo scene.

Is anyone making porn like this, yourself included? Naughty America is the closest I have seen, but even it falls way, way short of what I would like to see. I am tempted to make my own porn movie, but I have no idea where to start with that…

Help a guy relive his crazy days and see some hot porn.
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Hey Dane — one of the first things I learned making dirty movies is you can’t even come close to pleasing 10% of the porn viewers out there, let alone all of them. Just when you think you got a great BJ scene with a swallow, my members complain it wasn’t a facial.

Just like over at Blacks on Blondes …I’ll shoot a great gang bang, and then read on the boards some fan complaining about the lack of one-on-ones.

Your e-mail was almost exactly like Mr. POV’s pitch when he wanted us to build his site: he hated porno where dudes were more prominent than the girls; he loved Manojob and wanted his site to be like it cause the dudes keep their mouth’s shut and the girls talk to the viewer; he hated cheezy acting and dumb porno pick-ups.

Is this what you had in mind?

Or, more exactly, are you sure you want to define a “piece of sexy american life” like it’s Spring Break at Daytona Beach? Cause that’s really the only thing I could come up with when you say ” A girl hanging with some guys, smoking up and drinking some beer, then ending up fucking a couple dudes, or making out with a girl. Skinny-dipping, flashing, truth or dare, sexy shit that happens and leads to sex all the damn time.”

And I’m not sure that drinking and flashing leads up to sex all the time. At least not in my world. In fact, lately Billy Watson’s American Life is all about work, trying to catch a decent live show, maybe a movie, reading a good book, playing a record, and walking Maggie around Silverlake.

Oh, so American.

Oh, so sexy.

Posted in: Super Fun E-mails by Billy Watson /
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Zombie4Brittney writes:

A wealthy Manojob member recently passed away. Needless to say, we were surprised when his attorney contacted us with the news that many of our starlets lad been included in his last will and testament.

To Angelina Stoli: a 1978 El Camino low rider. Bright orange. With those spinny-wheel-things too.

To Amy Starz: a paper hat and plastic gloves for her job at the Safeway deli.

To Kylee Lovit: the vice -presidency of her local school committee.

To Sofia Sandobar: black hair and a green card.

To Kelly Wells: a shrink.

To Riley Shy: a guest spot on the new “90210″ series.

To Bree Olsen: an autographed 8×10 of Ginger Lynn.

To Cherry Poppins: chocolate Slimfast.

To Barbie Cummings: a black baby.

To Adrianna Nicole: spackle and a wire brush.

To Kinzy Jo: a father.

To Satine Phoenix: smaller eyes. Those things FREAK me out!

To Veronica Jett: a sandwich.

To Gia Paloma: a lawyer.

To Audry Elson: a forehead that you CAN’T land airplanes on.

To Bree Barrett: anything she wants.

To Michelle Sweet: a clean urine sample.

To Veronique Vega: an armored car, for all the money she will make.

To Marissa Mendoza: a bus ticket. Anywhere else.

To India Summer: a motorcycle gang.

To Roxy DeVille: actual talent.

To Gianna: back surgery.

To Jessica Valentino: cucumber slices for her eyelids.

To Jenny Hendrix: voice lessons and a smidgen of shame.

To Dylan Ryder: diamonds. Lots and lots of diamonds!

To Scarlett Pain: ammunition.
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Hello Zombie4Brittney!

Um…OK. I like that. Did I mention it’s now way easier to leave comments on ISP? Really, it is…and I can’t wait to read some of the ones this e-mail elicits. Cause really, good comments makes a good blog, right? And this one needs all the help it can get.

Thank you sir.

Your pal — Billy

Posted in: Super Fun E-mails by Billy Watson /
8 Comments