My Lunch With Makenzie Wilson (A Play in 3 Acts) by Billy Watson

ACT I

(A driveway in an average neighborhood. We see two people walking to a car. BILLY is a tall, husky middle-aged male. MAKENZIE is a younger woman, petite, in her early 20’s. Billy stops in front of the car – a brand new car – and holds his hands out as if to show it off to Makenzie)

BILLY

Well, what do you think?

MAKENZIE
(annoyed)

I fuckin’ hate it. It’s obvious you don’t care about the Earth.

BILLY

So let me see if I have this straight – I don’t care about the Earth based solely on the car I drive.

MAKENZIE

Fuckin’ A right buddy!

(They get into the car and drive away.)

ACT II

(We’re in a crowded Middle Eastern restaurant. Billy and Makenzie are finishing up their lunch. Actually, Billy is finishing his lunch, as Makenzie didn’t order anything to eat. It’s a small place, and loud, and the service has been terrible. There is no waiter in sight. In fact, other than the customers, there’s no one in sight)

MAKENZIE

I think I like a boy.

BILLY
(not paying attention as he eats)

Uh-huh.

MAKENZIE
(angry)

How come you never pay any attention to whatever it is I’m saying!

BILLY

I always pay attention to what you’re saying. You said you like a boy. But I have something better to tell you.

MAKENZIE

Oh really? And it is…

BILLY

I went to a whore party last night. I know this guy who runs an escort agency. He throws these parties. All the whores who work for him come and mingle with The Lonely Hearts Club they refer to as “clients”. Or, better yet, “hobbyists”.

MAKENZIE

The whore mongers call themselves hobbyists?

BILLY

That rules, huh?

MAKENZIE

That totally rules! What in the world were you doing there?

BILLY

My friend who owns the agency is trying to hook me up with escorts that might want to do porn. I tried to tell him that most whores will never be porn stars, although most porn stars are whores…or, most porn stars will eventually become whores.

MAKENZIE

That makes total sense. Anyways, I like a boy. But he doesn’t know I’ve done pornos. I don’t think I should tell him. I mean I hate to lie, but if he doesn’t ever ask me, I don’t think I should just offer up that sort of information to him. I know if I tell him, he’ll break up with me right away. But if I don’t tell him, well…that makes me a liar, and he’ll break up with me right away if he ever finds out. What do you think I should do?

BILLY

Tell him, of course.

MAKENZIE

No fuckin’ way!

BILLY

OK, then don’t tell him. And better hope he never finds out.

MAKENZIE

He won’t find out. And if he does I’ll just deny it.

BILLY
(finshing his meal)

Then that makes you a liar.

MAKENZIE
(exhales deeply)

Oh, I know! Shit. Sometimes I think I’m a bad person and I’m just gonna end up alone for the rest of my life.

BILLY
(getting up to leave)

I’m in the same Catch-22. Normal girls won’t have a thing to do with me once they find out I direct dirty movies for a living. And who in the fuck wants to date a crazy porno chick? I’m flying solo for the rest of this adventure…that’s for sure…hey, where the fuck is our waiter?

MAKENZIE
(annoyed)

Who fuckin’ knows. This place has got to have the worst wait staff I’ve ever seen. Let’s get out of here before I go crazy.

(They both leave, but Billy can’t pay the bill, because there no one is around to take any money. So he tosses a 20 dollar bill on the table as he pushes in his chair).

ACT III

(Billy is driving, Makenzie’s in the passenger’s seat)

MAKENZIE
(turning down the air conditioner)

So what the fuck do you call this?

BILLY

An FJ.

MAKENZIE

And who makes it?

BILLY

Toyota.

MAKENZIE

Well, you’re destroying the Earth driving this around. I think it’s totally irresponsible of you to buy this big hunk of shit, and if I were you I’d take it back and get something more friendly to our environment. Like a hybrid or something.

BILLY

But I don’t drive more than 10 miles a day. My office is right around the corner from my house. And Toyota is the leader in hybrid technology, and they’re making a committment to developing hybrids throughout the 21st century. They’re the leaders in hybrid cars, and by buying this I’m supporting a company that cares about our environment; hence, color me green!

MAKENZIE
(silent for a minute as she thinks)

Well I still hate it.

BILLY

Hey, I have a blow job scene for my new clip store. It’s a totally quickie BJ thing, no stills, and I promise it won’t take more than 10 minutes.

MAKENZIE

Who do I get to blow?

BILLY

How about me? I’ll POV it. And I get to nut in your face. The BJ guys love that shit…when you’ve got nut all in your face.

MAKENZIE

RIGHT ON! I’m all over that! When can we do it?

THE END.

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